[Orchid.ua]

My fuckin eye is falling out again... I hate it, hate the eyes and the whole face also. I wish plastic surgeons anywhere could do at least SOMETHING so that I could die looking like a human.
I'm already tired of people staring at me in the streets and sometimes laughing. Yes, right, I'm single forever. No wonder. I'd LOVE to have normal eyes, don't even dare to think of having them beautiful. Just NORMAL, not disgusting.
But nothing will ever change. My doctor told me I'll have to "learn to live with that". Has she ever imagined what is a "life" of an ugly female? Laughter, pain and eternal loneliness. Yes, it's impossibly easy to get used to it. My doctor seems to like black humour.
WHAT THE FUCK can I do not to have the ugly eye??? If I knew, I wouldn't let them do the surgery. Then I'd have the full right to commit suicide... And wouldn't be ugly now.

@музыка: Akira Yamaoka

@настроение: annoyed/desperate

Comments

[~Tio~]

Hi

I saw your post at the я_некрасивая community, and I see that the problem still remains... And by 'problem' I don't mean your eye, but your attitude towards yourself and all.

I haven't read your blog yet, but I did see the entry about some newspaper deeming you not goth enough... May I ask you, why have you chosen to be a goth? What attracts you in this subculture?

Y'know, I loved your photo with glasses. And if you want my opinion, they attract attention to themselves, thus distracting it from the eye problems or whatever. At least when I wear them.

Oh, and don't think I'm trying to... um... "наставить тебя на путь истинный". I'm not. yet

[Orchid.ua]

~Tio~, hi.
Yes, I hate myself, but I know what for. My eye really looks disgusting, that's why I do a lot of makeup and Photoshop editing for pics.
That is not a newspaper, it is a TV channel. They were making a report, my friend adviced them to talk to me on the topic. We both work on TV also. But then it turned out they need sb from the subculture, who walks at graveyards and has a vampire lifestyle. I'm not like that.

I am not in the subculture. I lose consciousness at the sight of blood, would never hurt the loved one if he existed, I have a job, I often dress like Britney Spears in her young years and I have different places for walks than graveyards; I don't drink, smoke or take drugs, hate parties and would never get undressed in public. I hate goths for whoredom and dirtiness. My ideas are those of Gothic architecture, art etc. Sth like aiming on something higher and other ideas of these art styles, long to write about it.
Dark romantic lifestyle, philosophy. I'm always in dreams/thoughts, drawing or writing... Many people tell me I'm weird. And I'd never do anything that is against my beliefs. Yes, forgot to mention, I'm Christian. What attracts me in this perception of the world? I think it's that I don't have to play the role. My diary's design reflects the inside of me. My thoughts, I mean. If it is dark - it doesn't mean there are no flowers. They just cannot be seen. But they are still at their places.

Thank you... But my bf hated me in glasses. And I prefer to wear lenses, I see better in them. face looks awful and nothing can be corrected... Eye problems are disgusting and eternal...

[~Tio~]

I see... Well, you broke up with your boyfriend, right? So you no longer need to worry about what he would think. And you could try different shapes of glasses - the one in the pic suited you, but who knows? And besides, did you know that one can wear lenses for no more than 5 years all-in-all, so you'll have to go back to glasses one day, anyway.

Hmm... So you're the more classic-goth, right? Well, I suspected the refusal was due to the so-called 'un-true-ness'.

I really like the diary design, by the way My friend, who used to be a goth, told me once that 'gothic' (or rather 'gothica') comes from the Latin word that means 'beautiful'. And in your diary, I see the reflection of that Your interpretation of gothic appeals to me much more than the mordern one.

I'm also a dreamer, you know, only the light and romantic type ^^ And we share music interests: I like Nightwish and Within Temptation, which belong to gothic and are beautiful

And about your eye... If you hate it so much, why don't you cover it somehow? Like, long bangs covering one eye... Or maybe even an eye-patch. And I don't mean pirate-like eye-patch, but something like this:


That's a fan art of General Beatrix from Final Fantasy IX game. I like this one because of the creative ornament. In the original she wears a white one.

I'm sorry for not minding my own business, but... Well, can't help it. I'm attracted to unusual people
with some sort of a handicap... like, my former best friend is 18 years old, but reaches only up my waist in height and has genetic problems, another friend used to have imaginary friends, and my ex-boyfriend is a bit autistic... So wherever I can help someone who is unlike others in some way, I try to do it. Me myself, I'm perfectly normal.

[Orchid.ua]

~Tio~, I didn't break up with him. He just said he wants to be free from me. And went to his beauty. I can't forget him, still keep the wedding ring, his chain and 4 blue roses. He laughs at me and it hurts...He loves his whore beauty...
No glasses will suit me, the glass must be very thick for -13. I was told there can be done sth, but then each lens will cost about $100. Currently saving money for that... I will wear contacts until my last minute, I'll never come back to glasses. Whatever happens.
What do you mean -

Well, I suspected the refusal was due to the so-called 'un-true-ness'.

?
Yes, sth like classic... Thanx, glad to get to know sb likes the layout. I really like growing plants.
Modern gothic... Is that really gothic or stupid dirty fetish whoredom?
It's cool to meet another dreamer and to have same tastes in music. I like different music, also trance and acid. =))
I'm doing my best to cover it, but can't do it all the time. Bangs remind me of the last months with my love, and moreover they need care which is impossibly uncomfortable with my work on TV and in a magazine. I'm always on the run. And eyepatches remind me of the one I had to wear after the operation. I'm quite strange about this... I've decided to make sth like a veil Mana wears, already bought artificial flowers and laces... But anyway I will not be able to wear it forever, and my eye will still be ugly under it.
NP, I'm glad you visited my blog. I am always glad to guests.
You mean - insane people???
You're so happy to be normal......

[~Tio~]

Well... Sorry to hear about that... How long has it been since he dumped you? Maybe it's time to stop griefing?

-13? 0_o Okay, now I understand why you had surgery...

Contact lenses will eventually cause... um... отслоение сетчатки. And you'll lose even the little sight you have left.

Un-true-ness... Говоря по-русски, "не тру". Not the "true" mordern goth they needed.

Um... Mana from what game/anime? I'm glad you seem to like the idea.

No, none of them is insane! They aren't crazy, don't have breakdowns for no reason, etc. They are only slightly different from the norm. Even my ex-boyfriend. (actually, it was an internet relationship, lasted for 3,5 years... I had to break up with him, because of my parents. Yet, I hope I helped him during these years... At least he doesn't fall into depression as often anymore.)

Yeah, well... I always dreamed to be special in some way. My favorite anime character since childhood was Hotaru Tomoe from Sailor Moon, and she really was different...

Well, I'm off to my chemistry exam, wish me luck

[~Tio~]

Uh... where did the edit button go? 0_o

I wanted to edit out the stuff I said about contact lenses, it isn't true, apparently, I confused it with something else >_<

[Orchid.ua]

~Tio~, we've been together from 17.09.2005 till 17.09.2006... I think he found her while I was ill... I can't forget him and the happiness we had...
My surgeries were because of what you mentioned, it is called "retina detachment" in English. Rare shit, and quite scary. My eyesight had been saved. Yes, lenses don't cause it, we've asked all of my doctors.
My ex is a true goth, and I'm a stupid poser, "херка" or "готёлка" as it is said. Just to fuck. And true goth girls are admired, they're beauties...
Mana is the guitarist and leader of Malice Mizer and Moi Dix Mois. A Japanese rock star.
Your parents? So familiar, mine also didn't like my ex-fiance. Sorry to hear you broke up... Such a long relationship... it's cool...
I'm too bad for this world, it is only for normal and good people, not mistakes like me.
Those people you know must have sth good in character, I never had it and will never have.
Beind different and being worse (like me) are not the same...
Good luck to you! Chemistry has always scared me. ^^ But you will get the high mark, I believe in this.

[~Tio~]

And you were right, I got 'excellent' But that's to be expected, I had 'excellent' for Mathematical Analysis and Physics, too

Wait a minute... So you're telling me that you're griefing for more than 2 years?!!?!??! Over someone who betrayed you for a whore!?!? Sorry, but that's way too much...

He said he wanted to be free of you. How did he reason it? What did he want that you couldn't give him? What made him sick of you, what made him overlook your inner dreamworld, what happened!?

If he dumped you because of your eye... He isn't worth it. If I truly loved someone, and something happened to my beloved, I'd take care of him/her... I wouldn't dump them because of it...

then again... i did break up with my boyfriend because of his autism

What makes you think that he was the one meant for you? Why don't you just let those memories pass?

I'm too bad for this world, it is only for normal and good people, not mistakes like me.
Those people you know must have sth good in character, I never had it and will never have.

Sorry, I don't believe that. Everybody has something good in them! You're just too lost in grieving to notice the beauty and good in yourself...

All those people had a rich inner world and dreams... Especially my boyfriend... I'm glad to have known him, and that we were each other's first love...

Come on, it has been too long... Time to move on.

[Orchid.ua]

~Tio~, I often guess marks. Congratulations!!!! Mathematical Analysis and Physics?? Then you're a hero.

Since then I've had a relationshiT (c) for 2 months, ended up with my "bf" going back to his ex.

Whore... I meant - with a goth with shaved eyebrows and the biggest breast size. I hate goth girls. All of them are whores. Fetish and suicide girls are even more dirty whores. But in fact they're the same as goth.

He said he wouldn't explain anything and that he needed beauty. Not glasses, jeans and t-shirts in bright colors and lack of makeup. He said he can't live without beauty and I don't look after myself. Wanted piercings, tattoos, parties, hairstyles. Perfection. He saw me without makeup, with dirty hair, in bed, with the eyepatch... Nobody would like that. And I don't wear black all the time....
Everyone needs perfection. Even you left your bf because of sth he cannot change. The world is for perfect people. AT least not for ugly ones like me.
He was The One. I lost him. We were engaged, going to get married when I'm old enough so that the laws would allow. I'm too old for love now, can only be used as a free whore.
Nothing good in me. I'm ugly, stupid and selfish. Jealous, envious and aggressive.
All my life is behind me already. Only existence has left. Without a meaning, without anything good. Pleasant things and happiness are not for the ugly.

[~Tio~]

I'm too old for love now, can only be used as a free whore.
Nothing good in me. I'm ugly, stupid and selfish. Jealous, envious and aggressive.
All my life is behind me already. Only existence has left. Without a meaning, without anything good. Pleasant things and happiness are not for the ugly.

Sorry, but first of all you're an idiot. How dare you to let someone ruin your life like this!?!?!?!? It isn't even him ruining your life, it's you! He has forgotten you long ago, and you ruin your life! Wallow in self-pity and grief! You know what, if you do so, you're not much different from the whores you mentioned. Which is not true, since I see it in you that you are a lot better than all of them.

He saw me without makeup, with dirty hair, in bed, with the eyepatch... Nobody would like that.

WRONG!!!! Look at your parents, look at your friends' parents, heck, look at any married couple! Or any couple that lives together. Do you honestly think they are always dressed party-style, with makeup and all? Sorry, last time that could happen was 2 centuries ago, and even then only in Chernishevskiy's works.

Whore... I meant - with a goth with shaved eyebrows and the biggest breast size. I hate goth girls. All of them are whores. Fetish and suicide girls are even more dirty whores. But in fact they're the same as goth.

Uh-huh, and that's why you dress in gothic style and bear with titles like

"херка" or "готёлка" as it is said. Just to fuck.

Listen, I perfectly understand why you do so, why have you chosen gothic as your style. And I think I won't be wrong if I say that you started dressing like that soon after you two broke up. But...

No matter how hard you try, it won't bring *him* back. Moreover, it most likely will drive other possible candidates away... Since you can't be a true goth for the reasons you stated, no true goth will go for you. And the rest are, like you said, only looking for someone to fuck, and they drink, smoke, take drugs etc. Do you really want a husband like this? Most likely not. And your relationshiT proves it.

Also, by being goth you drive normal people who aren't goths away. Because, yet again, as you said, goth girls are a-priori seen as whores who take drugs and live to fuck. Nobody would want a wife like that.

So by following the beauty standards of your long-gone ex boyfriend, you deny yourself any possibility of love and happiness. You aren't normal, yet you aren't a true goth - something in between, and that's the worst position.

same as my ex-boyfriend... not crazy, yet not normal... though I wonder at times if I had done the right thing when I dumped him...

That's why I'm not a part of any subculture. Because there is no subculture which I can feel true in.

So come on, leave the darkness... No matter what you might think, there are a lot more normal people in this world than goths. Thus the chance of finding your true love is much higher.

Don't you think it's time to let those flowers in the background bloom?

[Orchid.ua]

~Tio~, yes, I'm stupid, not different from whores. I know it. He has forgotten me and surounded himself with beauties, I've also known this for a long time. Nobody has ruined my life. It happened just because of my surgery.

Those people are blessed, they love each other and met a long time ago. Everything is different these days. Moreover, nobody is as disgusting as I am.

I don't dress in the style of the subculture. I just don't care what I am wearing. And those who call me with those words get either a slap or a dirty word.

I started dressing that way about half a year before we met.

He told me he will never come back to me. No possible candidates exist. No guy in this fuckin world needs me, they all need beauty and perfection. Ugly eyes are just a reason to laugh. No more goths, no more guys at all, I hate them.They're all the same, this world is for whore beauties only. I don't want anyone. YES, I KNOW I AM THE WORST ONE. I HATE PEOPLE.

All people are the same. Crushed on beauty. They only need beauties. I'd kill all beautiful girls of the world...just to see them in pain. Bitches...

I KNOW I AM NOTHING, I KNOW IT. I'm not following anybody's beauty standards, I am just ugly. No love can be anymore, my age killed all possibilities. No attitude will come back. I know I'm the worst one in the world, I'm nothing.

I am also not a part of any subculture, it's written in most of my profiles, like MySpace and ICQ.
Goths are shit. I avoid them. I will never find anyone, I'm too old. Girls who are still single and ugly at my age are only for fucking, nobody will accept without this. Especially an ugly one.

I grow flowers on the windowsill. So what? No guy likes me because of that. And I hate guys also. Nobody can live without sex. So they'd better die. And for me it is also better to die than to lay down under someone.

[~Tio~]

Jeez... If you hate guys, try looking for girls then. I wouldn't mind to get to know you, and maybe more. Alas, I live in Moscow...

How old are you, anyway?

I don't want anyone. YES, I KNOW I AM THE WORST ONE. I HATE PEOPLE.

My ex said the same. Now he doesn't. Because he met me, we loved each other, and even now we remain friends. You need love.

All people are the same. Crushed on beauty. They only need beauties. I'd kill all beautiful girls of the world...just to see them in pain. Bitches...

Depends on what you see as beauty... For me, inner beauty is more important. My ex isn't pretty, yet I loved him.

Come on, snap out of it...

[Orchid.ua]

~Tio~, I've tried that, but I feel nothing more than friendship to girls... I love my friends, but that is something different...
Nvm, I hate revealing my age. The Edge, after it no law protects me.
I don't need any "love", it is just a stupid feature of fairy-tales. I used to live in one. I lost it. Ugly girls are never loved. They're only fucked. I hate people, they're slaves of beauty.
There are no guys who don't like beautiful girls. I've written about it a lot of times. Even if sb chooses an ugly one as a gf, he will go on admiring beauties.
There is no way out.
Moreover, as you said, I'm an idiot.

[~Tio~]

I said you're an idiot because you wallow in self-pity and put a cross on your life.

...

I'm into saving people, helping them when the times are rough... But you don't want any help. You hate your current position, yet do nothing to change it, or your attitude to it... why allow the ghost of that guy still bother you? why ...


nevermind, it's useless. if you want to be lost in the darkness, if you want to continue living a life full of sorrow and grief, it's your choice...

perhaps you've been doing it for too long

[Orchid.ua]

~Tio~, no self-pity at all. I HATE myself.
The life is over. Only existence has left. I'm ugly - and this defines everything.
I can't change anything, no plastic surgeon will ever make me look good. And I will never be young again. No happiness will come back.
It is not a choice - it's destiny. Only good-looking or good people can be happy. Those who are loved. Not ugly ones. I can't make the time come back....

[~Tio~]

Tell me your age. through u-mail, if you wish. I can't help but think you're not *that* old

Fuck... Why am i so far away from you!? I'd love you... I know you need it...

my ex-boyfriend is Belgian, btw. we never met in reality, too far away... i also had to wait till i'm old enough to come to him. and yet, we broke up, when there was only a half a year left...

[Orchid.ua]

~Tio~, what for? I am in the age when any guy can fuck me. After this age no attitude is possible without any sexual background. Those who are virgins after this age are considered to be weird. I don't want to reveal it anywhere...
Thanx, but I don't need love. It is only for beautiful ones.

[~Tio~]

Actually, screw the last comment. I have read 8 pages of your blog, and your constand self-downing and not listening to what other people say in comments to your entries, the fact that you're stuck in your stupid vision of yourself as ugly and worthless, you thinking that your life and love life are over, it makes me SICK. I HATE IT that you down yourself like that. Made me want to beat you up, and then embrace... *shakes her head*

*continues reading*

[~Tio~]

Goodbye. I see now that to get you out of this darkness is beyond my capacity.