Forever yours

[Orchid.ua]

I tried to heal myself. Tried to persuade that parties are not only goth ones and there are events where I wouldn't be the ugliest girl.
I wanted to convince myself that a party in a club is not pulling your boyfriend out of a whore's cunt.

I still remember the beloved one whispering this to me at a famous goth party: "Know what? You're the ugliest girl at the whole party. Look at the others and make conclusions how you should look. See that girl over there? ..."


Aunt offered me to go to an "acid" event, not a goth one, I wasn't even going to wear goth clothes and makeup... But mum didn't let me go. She said I have to study.

And then they tell me I'm "wild", "insane", "weird" because I hate people. I'm just afraid of them. And attack is the best defence. Moreover, I don't expect good attitude from people - this is another reason why I'm aggressive.

They're tired of my being depressed - but don't let me correct anything. I'm not asking for help, just want to do at least sth by myself. Thought I could go out once in 2 years. I've already written a lot of times that I'm not really into going out, mostly into staying at home. I was going to step over myself to try to improve the mood. And then - a long time of staying home again.

It always happens this way. Maybe it's a sign?
I'd be the ugliest girl at any event. And everywhere I'd be laughed at, whatever my mood is and even if I wouldn't notice that. Maybe it's for the better - that I was not let go there. Maybe I have avoided one more time of shame. Even If I wouldn't have noticed it and thought I had a great time.

@музыка: turned everything off to hell

@настроение: lonely

Comments

[Shaliss]

Your relatives want you to smile, laugh and be funny girl in "normal" сlothes etc.? They always think so.. many people just can`t accept that their child is different from others.

I guess, you need someone to make you more self-confident.. Even if you see many disadvantages in yourself and think that you can do nothing, the way is to accept it and try to love youself as you are.
I`ve always seen comments in your diary that people say you are pretty. They can`t all lie to you because they have no reasons to do it)))
I am not a psychologist of course and I`m not trying to be, but I suppose, it`s the right way to do.. just love yourself.
P.S. Have you ever seen really ugly goth girls? I nave And you are not like them.

[Orchid.ua]

dream_collector*, no, they accept the style in clothing and music I like, but they don't like it when I go out or have relationships, they think I should study.
Thanx, but everything is ok with my self-confidence, I know what I am. I cannot love myself as there's nothing for.
Who knows... Some people lie just for fun, but we can only know this having communicated in person. Moreover, I never post really fuckin pics, most are either after photoshop or nothing bad can be clearly seen in them.
No, I've never seen ugly goth girls, my bf liked all of them. The difference is that I consider all of them to be ugly. But nobody else hates them...

[Гость]

Lol,where ar u from girls?

[Orchid.ua]

Гость, what do you mean?

[Akamori Hiro]

Это шо за некорректное чмо могло сказать что ты не красива? Покажи мне его и я буду долго наслаждатся мучая его тело и дух *зловеще смотрит, потирает ручки, готовит пыточный инструмент*
Знаеш, не важно, как по мне, являешься ли ты внешне готом, будь им внутренне, если ты к этому стремишься! Вообще забей на готов будь лоли ^^ ты очень мила!

[Orchid.ua]

~Yumi~, it was my ex-fiance, there's even his pic in one of the entries of summer, 2006.
I had a nightmare about him..
I'm not aiming on sth, I just am who I am.
I mostly have beliefs of loli, but sometimes feel like sth medieval or like a metalhead and even a biker. "A biker's niece" - I really am.
I hate goths for 2 years...

[Akamori Hiro]

Orchid.ua Ну теперь люби лолит!! Гатичных лолит!!!! Няяя!

[Orchid.ua]

~Yumi~, thanx.
But I can't change... I am just myself...

[Akamori Hiro]

Orchid.ua Ну так и будь собой )) ты каваии!!!!

[Orchid.ua]

~Yumi~, thanx, but guys hate me... Nobody wants sth like me as a girlfriend... And I'll never be the best for anyone.

[Akamori Hiro]

Orchid.ua Посмотрим посмотрим нас ждут грандиозные дела на Торифесте! Соберись!

[Orchid.ua]

~Yumi~, yes, but I do it for myself, not for anyone else. I don't have the beloved one. And My Prince has another one in his heart...
Doing my best to look good there.

[Akamori Hiro]

Ну так никто и не говорит, что для кого-то делай для себя! Будет весело ^^

[Orchid.ua]

~Yumi~, thanx. But guys don't like me, they love gothic whores. Even if I look good at the festival, after it nothing will change. I'm going to take part just because I want this.

[Akamori Hiro]

Ну я не про фестиваль а то, что будет после него одним фестивалем ты не отделаешся *смеется* Вот и Кэндл тя фоткал ^^
Ну моё мнение это так, личное, не нужно никому старатся понравится, нужно просто быть собой. Да что там говорить, у меня самой парень появился на втором курсе института до этого были увлечения на месяц не более. Правда мы все равно расстались и эта зараза мне до сих пор снится! Хоть
и занято моё сердце чем-то не определенным и увы далеким, даже не сбыточным. Но я ж не отчаиваюся! И тебе рекомендую!
Чмок в щечку!

[Orchid.ua]

~Yumi~, what do you mean? I won't let anyone fuck me.

Вот и Кэндл тя фоткал ^^

yes, it was so nice. As well as her.
I also have nightmares about my ex, see one of the last entries.
Thanx, I'm doing my best. But guys need perfection, crazy hairstyles and piercings. Nobody wants a mere mortal girlfriend like me. Moreover, I'm not a sadist/masochist, and I'd never let anyone take pics of me when I'm naked. I'm old-fashioned, boring and scared of my own shadow...
Same to you!

[Akamori Hiro]

Хы... ты у меня много пирсингу видела? Да я тож не бу фотатся голой! Фигушки! Только через мой труп!
Да я вообще-то не про интим имела ввиду, когда говорила о парне. А про отношения. Вот сам интим же без отношении бывает ну как-то так. И вообще тебе самой решать когда и с кем ты готова это сделать! Нечего смотреть посторонам что делают другие. Нужно быть индивидуальностью а не серой массой!

[Orchid.ua]

~Yumi~, I didn't notice anything except the classic one in the ears, I also have that.
Well, when we're dead, nobody will ask us what kind of pics do we want to have taken. Btw, I really asked my friend to take a pic of me for D. at my funeral.
I know, but everyone likes sth beautiful from the outside. I don't drink, don't smoke, have never tried drugs and have just black hair. (I don't want to kill the remains of hair I still have, and I don't think anyone will let me come on air with some strange color) Guys don't like boring girls like me. (
2 goths had been killed in Kyiv. I wonder who did it, I'd meet him and shake his hand. Maybe, it was me while sleepwalking? XDD

[Akamori Hiro]

Ну у меня в ушках 4 серьги но это так что даже не заметно люблю я ходить с распущенными волосами х)
Ну я тоже не пью, не курю, наркотики - вааа страшное слово ня! Даже и не думала о таком
С другой стороны я настолько скучный человек для гламурных кругов ведь интересы у меня - японский рок, Япония, анимэ еще и книги фэнтэзи с обычными людьми мне в основном скушно. Подобного рода особи М полу хотят от девушки 3х вещей, секс, красивая фигура там, дорогие шмотки и куча понтов - чего во мне нет Я вот ненавижу тех мужчин которые считают что женщина чем-то хуже и её место дома у плиты. Мне с моим характером трудно найти человека который бы меня понимал и с которым мне было не скушно. На данный момент такой человек есть в единственном экземпляре и очень скоро его в моей жизни не станет ТТ это не справедливо