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My insanity

I can't even watch movies about love... Hurts so much... Even if those are my favorite ones.
Am I losing my mind? I wish I knew what's going on... And how to do at least sth as well...

@музыка: Malinconia: My insanity (The dark side of the doom)

@настроение: down

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Brains...

Just seen pics of different piercings and tattoos... What can I say? Shit. Also lots of problems, and people tell about them in excitement. What do they think with? I really don't understand...

I lost sth I lived for because I refused to do it. 2 years have passed, but I still stand my ground. I don't want to do that.

Why is it so important? Why guys hate girls without it? And the funniest thing I cannot understand: why nobody except me hates piercing/tattoos?

A short remark: I like it when a guy has a single piercing, maybe even in both ears. And not more. This is mostly done just "because I want it". Not to compete with sb in "more goth/emo/punk/other underground than you".

The one who is the best in the whole world for me also has a nice silver jewel in his left ear. Nothing else. And he is not insane about it. That's just a part of the style. His style. Not depending on anyone.

@музыка: Malinconia: Forever Yours

@настроение: angry

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Forever yours

I tried to heal myself. Tried to persuade that parties are not only goth ones and there are events where I wouldn't be the ugliest girl.
I wanted to convince myself that a party in a club is not pulling your boyfriend out of a whore's cunt.

I still remember the beloved one whispering this to me at a famous goth party: "Know what? You're the ugliest girl at the whole party. Look at the others and make conclusions how you should look. See that girl over there? ..."


Aunt offered me to go to an "acid" event, not a goth one, I wasn't even going to wear goth clothes and makeup... But mum didn't let me go. She said I have to study.

And then they tell me I'm "wild", "insane", "weird" because I hate people. I'm just afraid of them. And attack is the best defence. Moreover, I don't expect good attitude from people - this is another reason why I'm aggressive.

They're tired of my being depressed - but don't let me correct anything. I'm not asking for help, just want to do at least sth by myself. Thought I could go out once in 2 years. I've already written a lot of times that I'm not really into going out, mostly into staying at home. I was going to step over myself to try to improve the mood. And then - a long time of staying home again.

It always happens this way. Maybe it's a sign?
I'd be the ugliest girl at any event. And everywhere I'd be laughed at, whatever my mood is and even if I wouldn't notice that. Maybe it's for the better - that I was not let go there. Maybe I have avoided one more time of shame. Even If I wouldn't have noticed it and thought I had a great time.

@музыка: turned everything off to hell

@настроение: lonely

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Glasses

Why do guys hate girls in glasses so much?
I really don't understand.
Hope to get at least some answers.

I do have glasses and wear them at home. My eyesight is -13. Does it mean I don't have feelings?

@музыка: Polynove Pole: Чисті душі

@настроение: stupid

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Goth

Know what? I hate all perfect goth girls. HATE!!!

I understand there's nobody in this world who also hates them and says they're ugly.

They're always dressed in black and look perfect. Kiss their asses if you want, I don't care.

I am on another side, in the world of ugliness.

Curse me.

More reasons to curse

@музыка: Blind Before Down: Futurist

@настроение: depressed

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Memory

Listening to a song by Vika "Laughing Girl" Nersesyan who was killed a few months ago...

I wonder why talented and good people die so young, they could have done a lot more things in their lives. And because of what? Because some fuckhead was jealous.

I remember Vika's sister offered to introduce us to each other. I hesitated and gave no answer, but then read her poems and thought it would be interesting to meet such a person. Of course I didn't say it to anyone, I mostly keep thoughts and emotions inside. We haven't met each other....

People pass away and their artworks remain. It seems the person has just gone somewhere, for studying, work or vacation, that he/she will return soon with a lot of new impressions, ideas...

The difference is that these people have gone forever...

@музыка: Laughing Girl: Не бути разом ("Not to be together")

@настроение: in memory

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I saw a man kicking a pidgeon today
I'm sorry for the animal, but the guy looked more than funny.
The result of yesterday's football? =)

@музыка: Ginger Snap5: TB-1 [promo version]

@настроение: a bit tired

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Will you delete me from your friends list after I commit suicide?

@настроение: depressed/lonely

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Wires

I've already written that electric poles and wires attract me for some reason.
Yesterday found this on the net and almost died of laughter:

@настроение: ROFL

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I was killed again...
But anyway, there's FOOTBALL.
Germany will win!!!

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Guys

I saw him online in the gmail chat and said hello. Right, he's my ex, far from perfection, but I thought he still loves me a bit - according to what he told me. Being single forever is hard to accept, so I thought about stepping over myself and coming back to him. At least some love, even if it is artificial and half-imaginary. I will never get anything else or more, and it's better to have sth than nothing at all forever.

He wrote "hello beauty". I thanked him, he didn't understand what for. I explained I meant how he called me and that it's really pleasant for me to hear. He said that "not just "thank you" must be said for this, but also children should be born"

In a few minutes he asked when I will come to him. I asked what for. He answered: "for sex, communicating etc." I told him I'm not going to lay down under anybody - and he said I will be on him. I repeated I'm not going to sleep with anyone about 4 times. He said I promised (!!!) to marry him. I said I haven't. And he said goodbye...

One thing has been understood for sure. I'm suitable only for a fuck. Hurts, hard to accept... I know I should give up, or else nobody won't even notice me. But I can't, there's sth inside of me, some feeling, fear, disgust... I'd better die than let anyone do that to me. It's so dirty and painful... Guys disappear after that and a girl is known as a whore...

People never say sth pleasant to me sincerely. Now I'm sure. They either need sth or mean the opposite thing. People are sincere and really kind only to beauties, only they are truly loved by guys.

I'm just a body to fuck. Guys think ugly girls don't understand it and it's enough to say sth pleasant to get a body. They see no difference in what cunt to fuck. Virgins are sth they boast about when they're with friends. This is why they hunt for me. But I know what they want for sure. And I will do my best to kick them as far from myself as possible.

I wish I could get a second of sincere love...

@музыка: Fleur: Кто-то

@настроение: depressed

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Lost

I wish there was at least sb who would be proud of me... I know I'm stupid, I'm a bad friend, a bad daughter, I used to be a bad girlfriend and I'm the worst virtual friend.
I wish I could change at least sth... There's no way out and it hurts even more.
Destiny cannot be rewritten...

@музыка: Moi dix Mois: Angleica

@настроение: lost

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DESPERATELY

I'd give anything to become someone's beloved one at least for a few seconds...

The law of the world is that all guys who want sth more than a fuck or a date not to get bored are already with good beautiful girls, for a long time and forever.
Nobody is single... Even if sb is - he has some certain fuckin beauty in his heart and dreams...

@музыка: Lake of Tears: Twilight

@настроение: lonely

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Over

The graduation took place yesterday. I already have documents about having finished school education. =) At last the nightmare is over.
It's a long story, so sorry for the long boring post.

Morning

As I've written before, the hairstyle was arranged for 12:00. Dad drove me to the hairdresser's home. She was a bit late so I waited for a few minutes. Having come she told me she had got the driving licence on that day. So we were both happy and started doing my hair. Of course it happened like it always happens. Hair didn't "listen" to her and lived it's own life. Moreover, we forgot how we did the left side on the day we just tried that style on. But in the end we remembered. Shopping in the wedding boutique the day before was not useless - bought small artificial blue roses, of the same color as the bows on my dress. And we put these flowers in the hair. Masha, the hairdresser, is a cheerful and kind girl, so she started creating my mood for the day. Even though she didn't know she's doing this. I'm grateful not only for her cool work, but also for making me feel less nervous. I was going wild in the morning after waking up.

Face to face

15:30 - makeup. A friend from the channel told me she knows a makeup artist who can draw my face. I contacted her and she agreed. It was quite hard to explain where I live. This ended up in dad's coming out to meet her. I did my best to make home look like a home. Having a cat means great problems. As well as pleasure. We thought that if the makeup artist works on TV, she's used to perfect conditions. But she turned out to be a simple and sincere person. It was Tanya who made the mood perfect. During doing makeup she talked to me, about everything in the world. She liked me and I liked her. Tanya also said she often needs faces for her personal creative work and ideas - and I agreed.
Btw, during all the time makeup was being done, we were listening to Moi dix Mois and every now and then the makeup artist looked at a pic of Mana. I had sent it to her the day before to show what the style is.
Mum was taking pics of what was being done all the time, and in the end - a pic of me and Tanya, the result and the author. I was already with hairstyle and makeup, but still in a shirt and jeans.

Funny. As it usually is.

Everything on me except shoes, dress, stockings and lingerie was handmade. I made the jewelry a long time ago, but had only 2 days for the handbag. As a result it was being finished in the last 20 minutes before leaving home. It is still not ready, I just made it look good enough to wear. There's still no inside part, no hard base to hold the exact shape. Anyway, people liked it.

Stockings. I like that, but can't wear because of thin legs. My first experience ended up in fallen stockings and making them more tight with a cat-shaped brooch. This is how I managed to get home still wearing them. I wanted to have lace stockings at the graduation, and bought a belt not to lose them. The funniest thing is that the belt also didn't help much, it didn't hold strong enough. Each time I lifted my leg a bit higher, I heard the sound of the stocking "jumping" off the belt. So in the last 5 minutes before leaving mum and I... were sewing parts of the belt straight to the stockings. Fuck, it was really comfortable.

Shoes. I was even taller than daddy. And only 1 guy from my class was taller than me. Of course, his mum took a pic of us having called us "basketball players".


Flowers. Mum went to buy the flowers - we were asked to have them at the graduation. She wanted to get sth to match my outfit. Blue roses could have been perfect, but she didn't find them. In the shop she was offered... to dye white roses. So I had a huge bouquet of dyed blue roses with small white flowers among them. I was carrying it during the whole ceremony, people thought it's also an accessory. But in the end I presented it to my class teacher right on the stage.


Police. Everything was held in a government health resort, it was not easy to get there. All cars were to be on a special list. The policeman near the gate checked it and let in. I'm not sure if we were on the list, but having seen me he asked us to enter even without checking his list.

Right there

Today a friend told me that when we came, a classmate saw me through a window of the car and asked: "Can that really be M.?" Having come out of the car I was caught by friends who wanted to have a pic with me. After that parents also did this, so I have lots of pics with different people.
The mood was a bit spoiled by the whore's goth look. She has always copied my style. It's not a try to "blacken" her image. Just what I noticed during the last 2 years. She also had a short black dress and lace stockings or tights, I didn't look under her skirt. XD I'm not a pervert. But later I was told I looked better. The funniest thing is that even people who don't know about my hatred to her said the same.
Btw, I was the only Gothic Lolita there.

It started

The first part was dedicated to giving documents about finishing school education. The director was congratulating each of us while giving the document. When my name was said, I came up on the stage and came to her. She gave the document, shook my hand and whispered: "Very beautiful." Never expected to hear this from her. And then I went to my class teacher. She presented me a flower and said she's proud of a class like us. =)



After a short break a concert took place. Most of the performances were by my classmates. To be honest, I didn't think it can be that cool. Thought it will be sth just to "pull the cat's tail" until it is time to go to the unofficial part. Looked almost like a professionally organised event. The hosts were "the chemical Lyudmyla Mykhailivna and the physical Lyudmyla Mykhailivna", really teachers of Physics and Chemistry who have same names.

Unexpectedly for myself it was pleasant to communicate with all our people. "The world is so beautiful a minute before an explosion..." (c)

One guy, a rare fuckhead and whore hopper, who once wrote that I'm ugly right on one site, came to me and said: "May I kiss you?"

I understood one thing: I'm proud of having such talented classmates. I'm proud of having studied with such Personalities. Yes, I have no talents neither in studying nor in anything else, but who used to be around me do have them.

Closest friends have finished school with gold medals. That is, 2/3 of our small crazy girls' company have perfect marks.

Many of classmates are already professional singers and dancers, all the others have talents in other kinds of performing. 4 people have gold medals and one girl has a silver one. Our class teacher, Iryna Ivanivna, is really a second mother for all of us, other teachers used to call her "mother Ira".


And even our whores are... the most beautiful, the most professional and the most experienced of all.

More pics

An important part of existence is over. There are people who helped me come through it. It's common to thank them all for everything they've done, many people do this. I will not be an exclusion this time. So this is the link to "special thanks"

Mum - for helping me in all my crazy ideas, understanding my insanity and pulling me off the wall.

Dad - for taking me out of the net for some time, showing what TV work is and being as crazy as I am. What? We're really a family of journalists, 2 and a half.

Granny and Grandpa - for making me forget about everything in the world and giving opportunities of white, fluffy, cute and sincere communicating.

Aunt Oksana- for all the advice, support and keeping secrets. I know I can always contact you in any case. How many skeletons have we hidden...

Illyusha, you can always make me smile, even if the sky is upside down throwing up on the Earth.

Dennis, I've already told you you're the light of my existence. My Prince, danke schön for being yourself the way you are. For keeping me alive all this time.

Masha, thanx for the hairstyle and mood, it was an unforgettable experience.

Tanya, thank you for making me look like a human and for deep understanding of the Gothloli style. Hope what we do next will be as successful as this.

Dasha, Rita and Maryna - for true friendship and all naughty things we have done together. XD (Remember the chewing gum in the doorlock? And Maryna's exploring the other part of school?)

Teachers - thanx for kicking my brains into the head, to some - for being true friends and even a bit closer, and to some other ones - for making me understand there are also fuckheads in the world, not only good people.

Thanx to all my friends and relatives who haven't left me alone during this part of existence. School is over, and our communicating, friendship and relations continue, what else could you think? Don't you believe in eternal things?

I'm grateful to all online friends for reading and commenting my pieces of marasmus, standing the bugs in my head and becoming virtually real.

@музыка: Leaves' Eyes: Tale of the sea maid

@настроение: grateful

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Graduation tomorrow

12:00 - hairstylist
15:30 - makeup
19:30 - already to be there
Pics especially for My Prince.
Forgot:
8:00 - call the editor
8:25 - send mails to other editors (those 2 are not very intelligent)
9:00 - finish handbag

It's gonna be a crazy day.

@настроение: nervous

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