I must be dreaming

I'd give a life for a minute of beauty.....
Guys, why do you like it so much? Why do you laugh at ugliness? And, when having a relationship with a girl who isn't a beauty, you stare at all the others?

I wish I could have another face. I'm dreaming of hearing sth nice - hope nobody of those who'll read this will do what I mentioned. Doing this after I wrote about it will straightly lead to a breakup of any contact with me.

Lots of plastic surgery sites have been visited, I also consulted my doctor - NOTHING can be done. No, I won't get used to my ugliness as it's impossible to survive in this world for beauties.

Called a friend's girlfriend a whore. *LOL* He was so angry... What? These fuckin loved girls do anything to guys - and they're forgiven. Of course, beauty is worth this. Fuck you all, happy whores!!! I'll spit on you even when your devoted knights will be killing me.

@настроение: angry

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I trusted them. Like most of people I love. They've been the closest ones for all my existence. Now they're trying to push me away from them. I know they're ashamed of me after the operation too, despite they say the marks cannot be seen all the time. I'm sorry for disappointing them... But sometimes my biggest dream is to feel as if sb loves me as it used to be in the past, when I wasn't ugly like now. When I used to be somebody...

Don't ask me who these people are, I love them too much to say anything bad about them. I just feel they're getting farther and farther from me. They only remind of themselves when I feel good - they intrude and spoil everything by making me a stupid doll in their powerful hands.

I'm afraid of losing them. I'm sorry one more time for having ugly eyes and no brains, for eternal health problems and no talent. I wish I could correct at least a part of this great mistake...

***

Unfortunately the 1st impression isn't always true. I liked those girls from the courses, thought they're sincere... And then they turned out to be selfish and arrogant whores. I will not say a word and my attitude will remain the same, as if nothing has happened and nobody had let me down. I don't want them to feel bad or uncomfortable because of my attitude, so I'll kill the pain inside of myself. I still like them whatever they are. At least they're people who are themselves and I'm just a shadow. I shouldn't forget this. I'm not angry with anybody - what for?

My pain should remain only mine. Moreover, soon there will be nobody around. It's ok. Nothing happened.

@музыка: L'ame Immortelle: 5 Jahre

@настроение: lost

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Me - not her

I failed the try of the test... It wasn't a real one, just like an opportunity to see what I can when I know nothing. Anyway, hurts. Now I know how stupid I am.
Then we went to the channel, I had to meet the designer. Arranged everything - the bottom of my graduation dress and also a skirt - sth like a medieval one. Hope everything will be as I want it to be. And then...

...then I came to my dad and friend (a reporter) who were working with a video of an interview with Joachim Garraud, a French DJ. English spoken by a French is a nightmare!!! They could hardly define separate words because of the loud music and terrible pronunciation. So they asked me to help, they thoght they might be too tired. This all ended with daddy's leaving me and Julia alone in the editing room and we two finished the report having understood more than a half. Enough for a long report.

She thanked me. I felt somebody and not something. On the way home met people from dad's work - they were holding each other's hands. Pain? For a while. Then I thought: Do I care? I have more important things to feel. I'm somebody, not something. I managed to help and to be useful and needed.

Julia is so cool and kind to me, she seems to like me and is sincere in her attitude. She always makes my mood better. And she sees me.

Having come home I looked into the mirror. All illusions and dreams that seemed to have come true broke at once. I'm still the something with ugly different cut eyes, awful skin and hair, with a dead ugly face and a broken nail. No fairy tales exist for me. I am still nothing. So what if I helped them? This doesn't make me important. I just made myself think that way.
I wish I could break all the mirrors in the whole fuckin world...
"Take a look at yourself, not at anyone else..." (c)

@музыка: Dream Theater: You not me

@настроение: depressed

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Destination. Aim. Purpose.

I love making you laugh.

And smile too. It's sometimes hard, but in the end you always smile, I know this. ^^

You don't need me anymore. But remember you can contact me any time you feel bad - and I'll do my best whatever price there's to pay for it. Yes, I'll make you laugh again. Your smile is everything for me. The attitude hasn't changed.

Even if I feel bad, I'll laugh with you through tears - and you won't see them. Only the fact I managed to help you makes me happy. I'm an eternal servant.

@музыка: Fleur: Печальный клоун

@настроение: crushed

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There

He seems so... different, not familiar now... Nevertheless, ich liebe... Some time I promised myself I'll never say these words in Ukrainian anymore. Here's the solution. There are a lot of other languages.

Now, when you're gone, the warmth of sun seems so faraway... (c)

There are reasons why I quoted this. That person... he seems to have
changed. He already has a meaning and we're on different sides from the
border between worlds. I'm looking at them through the unbreakable
glass with glass eyes and smiling with an artificial smile...

Usual thoughts, I know. I'm not as intelligent as the meaning. I'm not
real.

But you won't break me. I'm transparent and made of glass.You see
everything I think and feel. Unbreakable, like the glass between the
worlds of you and me. Email and MSN are my ways of speaking. MySpace is
a place to broadcast myself. Wires connect me to your world. But I'll never get there. You can easily erase me.

I feel the window shaking... Maybe you feel this too? Of course, you don't think of some virtuality piece from another world. But I do exist, I do exist here. I still...
No dream. No more dream. No meaning.

@музыка: Draconian: Seasons apart

@настроение: lonely

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You make me

0

Вопрос: Should I close my diary?

1. Yes		1	(7.14%)
2. No		13	(92.86%)
3. I don't care		0	(0%)
Всего:		14

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Fuck off

It was about 2 o'clock at night on that day. Fortunately no mindfucking and they all went to sleep. That meant I was able to sit on the windowsill looking down.

It was cold, but, as it's said, drunk people see all the world in a different way. Yes, it wasn't very high. Maybe yes, maybe no... She's 28, he's 24. She will never let him go. And..I don't want that, he deserves happiness and I deserve a cruel death... It was so close, only one step from me, one step out of the window...

But what the fuck do I always have the mobile in my pocket???? A friend called and in a heart-breaking voice said he needs to talk or else he'll explode. His gf left him... I always knew that beautiful bitch isn't devoted... We talked till 6 o'clock in the morning. Another try failed... I'll think over sth new, I don't deserve to exist.

Ok, I will not post photos anymore. Only for those who are really interested in them - if there still are people like that.

Why do I turn inside out here? Read next.

Reputation

Anyone can access my diary. Some people should know me as a selfish bitch - and I'm sometimes doing sth to keep this image.

Truth

You know what my job is, even though I don't deserve to be called a journalist. And my task is to show and tell the truth. About everything. Even if this everything is nothing, I'll tell the truth - that it's nothing. I don't care - I do what's my task in work and existence. Yes - there's also the ugly part of this world, not only the beautiful one with a very good PR strategy. Right, people, the world, like the Moon, also has 2 sides. And I'm showing you the dark one, the hidden one, as it is.

Trust

Moreover, I trust those who read the diary all the time. Maybe I won't anymore, I have to think of this as I've seen a bit of disrespect. I didin't expect deception or betrayal here, but now I know anything can happen. I trusted. That's why I posted the unsucessful or too explicit pics without fear. I also have feelings, sorry if they're too unattractive for you. I'm sure all of you have had minutes of insanity. I wish you never felt pain like this, but I'd also like to see you when your dream gets broken forever.
Thank you for reading stupid things. Nobody cares of me? I don't care about anyone as well. I never forget bad things said to me. Right, I'm so bad. You can't even imagine.

@музыка: Paradise Lost: Close your eyes

@настроение: depressed and ANGRY

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*drunk*

Just come back - we were visiting my Granny. Wild laughing at the kitchen, drinking Grandpa's wine, playing with my cousin. A heart-to-heart talk with my aunt, passive smoking and wearing long earrings. Hair done up and..eyes could be seen. >_< I wonder why people stared at me like that...
To everyone who has contacted me in any way today- THANK YOU! You'll never understand how important is your attention to me.
I have money for my dead dream to come true. But can anything take sth back from the other world? Nothing. Nobody is waiting for me there, so far away. Not anymore...
I received 2 messages. Strange ones. From the biologist. He's dangerous for me, but I'm afraid I miss him. He seemed not to be ashamed of me...
Here:

#1. 22:29

"I'll be in Kyiv on 18.03.Would you like to meet?"

#2. 22:44

"I wish you had time before afternoon as I'll be busy after that! Do you want to see me? And what about not only seeing? Did you miss me?"

The last msg is so... I can say - scary. One of approximately 5 times he left me was because I refused to lose virginity, I didn't want to have a fuck with him. And it seems he still hopes... But why??? Now I'm sure I'm suitable only for being used and nothing else. He was also ashamed of me, but he had a purpose.

I think I'll do this mistake and meet him. At least sb will (maybe) hold my hand. Maybe there will be sth like a hug or a kiss, insincere, of course. But there's nothing else a creature like me can expect. I've never tried drugs and I'm not going to do it- despite this fact I know what I'm doing is the same. Some people, like those incurably ill, use drugs as painkillers... Curses cannot be healed - and I'm trying to get rid of pain. I know I'll surely die in the end.

Mum says it can be extremely dangerous. He says he's going abroad forever, so he must have nothing to fear here. He can even rape me... He can do anything. But do I care? I'll surely die in the end. And there's no faraway dream to live for anymore...

What am I doing? Maybe it's the only right way... The destination is the same one whatever I'll do...
I'm so brave when drunk...

@музыка: Fleur: Новое матное слово

@настроение: drunk, brave and scared

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Shut up forever

Each day it's getting more and more difficult for me to talk...

@музыка: silence I cannot hear

@настроение: shut uo

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Breaking [the missing heart] news

They are. I know it...
Just let me cry and die without being noticed....
They are.
I used to be.
I will not be a part of "they are".
Pain is eternal...

@музыка: Moi dix Mois: Dispell Bound

@настроение: lost

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Daydream

My only wish now is to curl up in some dark corner of the world and cry until all remains of life fuck off me.
They are....
I could be. I used to be. I will never be anymore...

@музыка: Fleur: Экзорцизм

@настроение: lonely

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A few hours left

A day of running around the school greeting teachers. 4 hours of sleep preparing for the History test - and finally we persuaded the old faggot not to write it. After some time of mindfucking he let us go home.

My classmate asked me if I were able to congratulate the headmistress in German. Unfortunately my German isn't good enough for it, but nevertheless it was nice to hear.
Our class teacher always asks someone of the 11th form to do the German homework for her son. She never asks me as she knows me as "eternally busy". But our beauties came to me today and asked if I could help them - because I'm "a German in my soul". ^^ What could this mean?

@музыка: cat purring somewhere

@настроение: busy

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Virtual

I'll go to MySpace to look for some bad news... No good ones can be there - if they're good for me, they're bad for someone else...

I wish there was 1 word again...
Stop it, bitch!

@музыка: Apocalyptica: Pray

@настроение: depressed

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Half of the end

The gray rose looks even more beautiful a few hours before death... It's dying having done what it was created for...



Pics are already in my computer. But all Photoshop skills have been fucked out of my mind yesterday. Maybe one day I'll gain new ones and will be able to post the photos...

@музыка: Apocalyptica: Coma

@настроение: disappointed

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