Out there

[Orchid.ua]

I'm looking out of the window. There are people out there. They live their lives. They smile. They go out. They have free time. Friends call them and they call back. They have impressions. They have feelings. They the right to be there, in the outer world. They are able to look into other people's eyes...

@настроение: lonely

Comments

[[chuchundra]]

if you're going throw hell, keep going.

черчиль помоему...

[Orchid.ua]

[chuchundra], and then what? Hell never ends. Life is over. Existence has left.

[[chuchundra]]

there is no proof of that. and only way to see, if it's ends - keep going... if not, than not, but whenn there is no hope left, curiosity helps... dark, sarcastish curiosity.

[Orchid.ua]

[chuchundra], curiosity for what? For some beauty giving a slap when fever makes me think everything is over? I've also gone through that. Everything light is behind me. Sometimes I look back there. But something reminds me there's no entry for ugly people anymore...

[[chuchundra]]

I don't want to go in the discusion about ugly and beaty, it's no use...
curiosity? well, world is not only love. Wenn and how this hell changes. And it is changes. For some - faster, for some slower... And it is up to us, how we interpritete this hell.
How i sed, i won't answer anymore comments about beaty and ugliness.
There is times in my live, when i want to kill myself. There were times, whenn inearly done it. But i'm curios, what will happend next. Which country well i see, what kind of people will i meet. It doesn't matters, if they like me or not. I am curious if it will come time, wenn i'll be able to meet Kipelov in person, or if there will opotunity, to get into the graphic colledge... and so on. Curiosity of live...

[Orchid.ua]

[chuchundra], it changes for those who deserve this change. You have a future. I don't. Because my ugly eye has crossed all of my opportunities. I'd be curious, if there was something in front of me, if I could see any ray of light.

University-work-home. That's all. Nothing else. What interesting things can happen in a closed circle?

Your life is life and not existence because you're loved. You are waited. You're being proud of. You have something in front of you, a lot of interesting things.

What's in front of me looks like a stone wall with darkness outside it.

[[chuchundra]]

i won't bother to argue with you about beauty, but i realy want to have noone. Because proudness goes with dissapointment. I don't want to disapoint people i love, and it makes it very painfull, when i don't get what they expect me to.

and about curiosity, like i sed, aren'T you curios, what will happend after uni? will you for ever work at the same place? You have this girls, who see you as a friend (or friendly boss), you have you team. You're speaking of being ugly, but you working in a media bussiness, no mater how hard, unfriendly it can be, you get to the place, i can only dream about, so who is more sussesfull?
It is a rithorical question, i don't expect an answer... It's up to you, to choose the way you go, and the way you are looking at the world. and the way to interpriate, how this world is looking at you.

[Orchid.ua]

[chuchundra], all people I loved got disappointed in me. Now I am not able to follow their great expectations. I understand what you mean... But having nobody makes me understand I am a hopeless shit everyone is ashamed of. I can't do anything as I already know everything I do is useless and stupid. It is more than important to have someone who is proud of you, people just don't realise this until they lose it...
After University? I'll be even older and uglier than I am now, and still single. I know what will happen then, and hope I'll commit suicide before this time comes.
I guess I will work here forever. because everything else requires more free time, and this is impossible with the form of studying I have. I want to change it, but my parents will never let me. So I am here forever... Moreover, no other channel needs stupid people.
I don't have a team. They obey to our boss, all of us do.
Media industry... Do you know why I work there? Because my aunt is the program director, her best friend is the owner and my dad is a journalist there. I wouldn't be there by myself as I am worth nothing. I am worse than stupid, and I don't know where I could have been now if not my parents.
How can I choose the way? I have lost everything I had. It will never come back... Never... I tried to correct everything, but it ended in a failure... A lot of failures.