No sleep

I will not have any sleep until Friday... Another can of "Burn" has appeared near my laptop.
German darkwave as a soundtrack - not to make the brain fall asleep independently...

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German kiss?

My ex, the biologist, has fun by hurting me in words. He loves telling me about his new whore. And today asked if she will deceive him one more time if she has done this once. I told him he will not manage to spoil my mood for today and he told me that...
I showed him a photo where I'm kissing with some German!
Did you know I have dont this? I didn't.

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In the news

Today at ICTV in the "Facts" news program at 18:45.
Give me medicine...

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My home furry bank

Fuck
Good morning.
For me this time has come by slow transformation of evening and night. Haven't slept at all, angry as hell.

My money is under protection now. Kesha has fallen asleep on my purse holding it with paws and having put his head over them. ^__^ The head has teeth, and the paws have claws. It's even more safe than keepig money in a bank. XD

@настроение: exhausted

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I have flowers too

So what? I also have flowers - I grow them by myself in both real and virtual life.

@музыка: X Japan

@настроение: desperate... I wish time could come back....

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Time to hate!

Why I don't like guys. A long list, of course. I do not mean to hurt or offend anyone. Just need to post my anger somewhere, the list is hidden under the cut, so do not read and get angry with me. This is what I have noticed in real-life experience.

Why do I...

...so why do I hate don't like guys:

• They're crushed on beauty
• They admire beauties, being single or not
• They are insane about...laptops and mobile phones - for some reason they want a girl to have the laters version of these
• They pay attention to clothes on me, but not to me
• If there's a choice between a perfect one and a different one, they choose the perfect one if being honest
• They deceive
• They despise me for not earning as much money as they want
• I make them sick when without makeup
• They have girlfriends
• They write about them everywhere - like dogs pee on walls XDD *sorry*
• They make dirty comments about me in real life
• They get disappointed in me just as they see me in a casual look
• They ask stupid questions
• They're insincere
• They pretend they like me just to use in their fave way
• They are crushed on sex
• They despise me for being asexual
• They watch porn
• They admire porn models
• They dream of whores
• Nobody of those whom I like is single or able to like me
• All of them care only of small, cute and young ones
• They expect me to be all by and for myself because of my age and appearance
• They meet their girlfriends with flowers
• They care of their girls and are anxious about them
• They let their girls fall asleep on their shoulder
• They support their girls when they have hard times and never leave them alone to "call when they feel better"
• They are glad to accept gifts from their beauties and show off their happiness
• They sincerely call their girls the way they like
• They consider their girls to be the best ones whatever happens
• They call me a "stupid goth" and say I live in a graveyard
• They call me a ghost and ask who I were when being alive
• They say I'm "the arrogant goth friend of his girlfriend" ^__^
• They think my articles are shit
• They tell me about how cute, innocent, sweet, kind, beautiful, helpless etc. their cuties are
• They ONLY pay sincere positive attention when have trouble..
• ...and then return to their girls.
• They talk to me sweetly and then suddenly say "Meet my girlfriend!"
• They only want to fuck me
• They are not able for the only attitude I could ever accept
• They notice all disadvantages of me
• And are not ashamed of telling this to me
• They easily tell me I look stupid with a certain haistyle or sth like that.
• They laugh at my tastes in music and movies.
• They get angry with me and tell me about it
• They want me to do what they want
• They despise my job
• They are ashamed of me
• They never say "I'm sorry" sincerely
  
• Girls, add your reasons - those you have defined for yourselves, if you have this.

Anyway, there are exceptions. Guys, please, don't be angry - I need to leave my pain somewhere.

@музыка: X Japan: Forever Love

@настроение: depressed

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Old

Being old hurts. I hate looking into the mirror, hate going out seeing happy young people around... And that's why I realised how scary the word "never" is. I will never have that anymore... Not a single time, day, minute, second - until the end of my days.

And everything could have been in the opposite way if I weren't that stupid and saved my fairytale...

@настроение: depressed

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OMFG

It must be a short horror movie.

The comment:
Not again, not again, not again...
what is real, what is real, what is real?
It's getting hard for me to take... (c)

The soundtrack:

@музыка: Akira Yamaoka: Theme of Laura

@настроение: ???? can't get...

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"Мне придется придумать тебя самой -
Лихорадочный сладкий бред..." (с)

"I will have to think you out by myself -
A feverish sweet delirium..." (c)

Maybe this would at last reduce pain?

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I'm dreaming of someone to meet me after University. I know I have written about this a million of times. But still hurts.
And I'd love to kill myself for the thought I have now... about falling asleep on someone's shoulder... I realise I shouldn't even think of this...
A can of energy drink and a lot of shit to read. Instead of an inaccessible dream.

@настроение: lonely

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They captured us!

picasaweb.google.com.ua/zigzorka/Goth#

omfg, I definitely need a surgery T_T

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Friends

Friends... Thank you for being my friends.
You give me the strength to stay at painful places without a shadow of a single emotion.

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For Reiha

www.meez.com - 3D avatars. I'm "orchidgoth" there.

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Dracula Vampira

Baking my first orchid. As  ek. mentioned in a comment, I did it.
A bit nervous... XDD Hope it would not lose shape - I made the petals too thin, I'll take this into account when making the next one.

I've also started making bloomers, hope I'll finish next week - when Granny comes from the countryside and lets me use her sewing machine.

Btw, does anyone know much about Japanese clothes' sizes? I mean - those mentioned in GLB patterns. What's the size from there for a body of 76-57-75?

UPD: I baked it. Looks quite weird. I used an image of a Dracula Vampira orchid as a reference pic.

It's quite creepy

@музыка: Kesha's purring

@настроение: anxious

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Please forgive me for the sorrow

For leaving you in fear

For the dreams we had to silence

That's all they'll ever be

Still I'll be the hand that serves you

Though you'll not see that it is me... (c)

@настроение: in memories

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What would you do?

If you were still with me...

If it happened before I got my operation - I think you would be proud of me.

If I received this offer after our happiness broke into "before" and "after" - you could have been more or less glad that your shame, an ugly girlfriend, is suitable at least for something.

And what now? It's too early to say anything because it has not happened yet. But what would happen if you saw me? How would you react?

@музыка: Within Temptation: The Heart of Everything

@настроение: a bit down (c)

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Dress-up game to be

I do not promise, but I will try to make sth like this dress for the following event. Just to remind myself.

@музыка: Nightwish: Romanticide

@настроение: working

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My poison

I guess a snake can have too much venom inside. And it might possibly wish to spit it out. Personally I want to do that. Hide anywhere you see...

The spit of poison

Guys! Know what? All those girls you adore and consider to be beautiful are already not single. Yes, they do have boyfriends.
So go on having hand-party (c) over their pics - and also try to think of the guys your cuties are with. ^__^

Or put brains back in your heads and notice mere mortals WITHOUT comparing them with those you admire. Why the hell do you like models and actresses? I still cannot get this point of male psychology... Do you know ugly people have feelings too?
Sorry, didn't mean to offend anyone. It just hurts me, that's why I've put this under the cut.

@музыка: Nightwish: Nemo

@настроение: annoyed/disappointed

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Real-life Photoshop

Do you remember Photoshop images where everything is black-and-white, and only something remains in color, often sth bright?
I've seen this in real life today. And now I understand the true, the real meaning of such pics. The feeling of them.

The morning at University started from a friend's happy face and the news that her boyfriend comes on Friday. I smiled at her and said she'll have a lot of things to do before that, and that I am glad for her. Thought it was the only needle in a shoe for today...

After lectures - guys waiting for girls... Near the University... A couple kissing behind me in a bus... People holding hands and NOBODY in a different status around. Another friend who was in a bad mood today was standing on the other side of the road and her bf was kissing her...

Yes, I am jealous. I am an envious bitch. Hate me if you want.
I'd give anything for.... I could already have had that for 3 years if I weren't that stupid...

@музыка: Apocalyptica: Kaamos

@настроение: depressed/lonely

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How about darkness?

And what if it became totally dark in the whole world?
In the darkness there can be people who do not consider me to be ugly and even guys who pretend I am beautiful.
Once some male gave a flower to me in the darkness - because he didn't see my eyes.

@настроение: too much sunlight blinding me