WTF???????????????

I have a wild wish to cry - just can hardly keep myself. It's something that is taking over me.
I know I'm behaving like an emo. But my wish/feeling doesn't depend on my will, I never want to show my tears off. This diary is a place where I can be myself. Where I don't hide what I conceal in real life. Sorry anyway.

Looks as if my emotions and eyes live a separate life. Can't_hold_myself.
I have to. I have to be a strong boy. Especially in front of my mother. She shouldn't see my weakness.

I am used to self-control. When on air, I have no right to express emotions. Let's pretend I am on air now. Today - Orchid is live @... channel/station.
Couldn't.hold.myself. The wish is still here, and the scariest thing is that I don't know how to get rid of it.

@настроение: desperate

---

WTF?

What the hell did he ask me "why people look at me like at an enemy" and "what I thought of it"???
Yes, hurts, but WHAT THE FUCK did he draw my attention to what I was trying not to notice?
I knew this person is like that - girls, trust your intuition! ... ... ...

@музыка: Fleur concert on 22.03.09

@настроение: upset

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P.A.W.

"A cat can scratch a leg, but, believe me, a leg is not a heart. Cats don't hurt as strong as people often do..." (c) translated

@настроение: falling asleep ambracing my warm cat

---

I haven't felt as lonely as I do now for a very long time. Right, I still miss him... 17.09.2005 - 17.09.2006.

@настроение: lonely

---

And you?

And how have YOU joked today?
*waiting for comments! ^__^*

@музыка: ATB

---

Like here

Amy Lee - "Sally's Song"
I sense there's something in the wind
That seems like tragedy's at hand
And though I'd like to stand by him
Can't shake this feeling that I have
The worst is just around the bend.

And does he notice my feelings for him?
And will he see how much he means to me?
I think it's not to be.
What will become of my dear friend?
Where will his actions lead us then?
Although I'd like to join the crowd
In their enthusiastic cloud.
Try as I may, it doesn't last.

And will we ever end up together?
No, I think not, it's never to become
For I am not the one.

And will we ever end up together?
No, I think not, it's never to become
For I am not the one.

@настроение: lonely

---

Hole

I've got a new piercing!!! *actually my 1st one ^^*
UPD: Many of you guessed what it was. April Fool's Day! =)))

@настроение: happy

---

The dress

Here's the image with the dress I'm planning to make:

I also discovered that ever_dark, my virtual boyfriend, has deleted his account. ( His last message to me had the topic "Oh my God!" and the text continued only my real name... I remember what his lifestyle was, so I worry about the real person he is, I just hope he's ok now. I will never forget the warm words he said to me - we were just playing the reality both of us wanted to exist in this world. We had attitudes we dreams of...

@настроение: </3

---

Nobody? Great!

After crossing The Edge. I understood another part of this... After this your family stops loving you.
I will get used to being alone. I promise.

@настроение: lonely

---

You

At the moment.
I'm dreaming to look into your eyes. More than ever.

At least in a pic as I know I will never be able to look into people's eyes in real life again.

@музыка: Das Ich: Moritat (Adversus Rmx)

@настроение:

---

Eyes that never lie

@музыка: Das Ich: Schöne Jugend

@настроение: amorous

---

Mein Gott!!!!!!!!

http://www.aeroclubduesseldorf.de/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=74&Itemid=39" />

@настроение:

---

I want to be there

I wish I could be there now...
Coffee. Laptop. Evening. Cool, but not cold. No pain. Me&friends tomorrow.

Pic

@музыка: Das Ich: Cabaret (Stillste Stund rmx)

@настроение: Sho in mind

---

Promise

I'm cold. I feel more than cold. But I'll survive, I promise.
Do you believe me?

@музыка: Akira Yamaoka: Promise

@настроение: cold

---

I am being used.
Everyone told me to listen to my intuition, and it's really the right way. I knew, I knew, I knew... How stupid, I was one step away from believing. Thanx God I felt something is wrong.

From now self-protection will be about 10 times stronger.
I am alone, yes - so what? I will protect myself. As fierce as possible. Right, there's no "big and strong one" near me so that I could tell him if sth is wrong. But have you forgotten one important thing? There's too much dignity in me to behave this way.

Yumi, be careful, you know who I am talking about. That one is quite strange, and I'm not sure if he is not going to play with you too.
I wish I could have mistaken and the person is not like I am thinking he is. But something inside tells me...

@музыка: Das Ich

@настроение: disgusted

---

Head over heels

What a day...

5:00 - laptop in bed, I'm writing an article about post mortem photography. Looking for pics of corpses.
8:00 - shower, face and hair masks, coffee, reading news
8:50 - sending questions to the band's manager

No exact time had been noticed after this, but:

Calling the boss to tell I will not appear at the office today.
Catching the cat.
Trying to do homework in Photo Journalism.
Printing out the text of lectures. Try #1.
Printing out the text of lectures. Try #2. Successful.
Planning how to write the report.
Calling for the taxi.
Doing wild makeup in the meantime, while waiting for the car to come.
Finally putting on dad's tie. *yes, I love male clothes*

On the way:
Underlined the most important points of the Sociology lecture.
Called the band's manager and asked when the answers will come.
Dreamt for a while.
At University:
Used old pics for Photo Journalism (we're not allowed to use old photos). Me&the mirror, towers&wires, the cat. The teacher doesn't like Gothic (but accepts this), industrial and dislikes cats (but also accepts them).
Sociology - answered even though I've only seen the text once.
Gained 36 points.
Wrote the composition for Ukrainian, read it in class and also got points.
Bought some fake flowers for...
Fell down the stairs and twisted an ankle. Not strongly, thanx God.

Sincerely yours, Orchid.
See you next time I come on air.

@музыка: Das Ich

@настроение: crazy

---

Fleur. Videos

The Eyelash


Warm Cats


The Stone (part)


Silkworm

@музыка: Fleur: The stone

@настроение: 2 days w/o sleep

---

I'm looking at photos of dead people and listening to Fleur.
Drawing scary pics in pencil...

@музыка: Fleur - what I've recorded at the concert

@настроение: somewhere

---

Sometimes I don't want to come home. I know I "bring the bad mood with myself" - and that's why I don't want to spoil lives of those who I live with.
I wish I could go away forever. Never to come back...

@настроение: lonely

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What to wear?

0

Вопрос: Fleur concert. What to wear?

1. Kuro-Loli (black)		13	(61.9%)
2. Gothic (black&blue, but without blue lips)		8	(38.1%)
Всего:		21