May,31

Today I am trying to answer an important (to my opinion) question.Why does the Internet play such an important role in my life?Why do I prefer spending my free time there?

I have been thinking of it for some time and at last the answer is ready.

I can't find understanding in real life.That's why I use every opportunity to come online.

Yes,there are a few people in real life who understand me.But most of those surrounding me try to make me be the one they would like to see.

These days I communicate with my parents only arguing with them.They say I am thinking of everything except studying and that I don't want to think of my future life.Yes,this year I have done my best to reach success in private life.And I have reached something.

They also say I am not able to communicate with people in a right way and that I only think about myself.Yes,I do.If I don't care of myself,then who will?

I realise I make the lives of people surrounding me terrible.I know I am a mistake of nature.But what can I do?

At school the attitude to me hasn't changed.I thought that having changed my appearance greatly I would be able to become one of them.Or maybe to loook like one of them-I don't want to behave that terrible way.But respect hasn't appeared.Everything happens the opposite way-I am laughed at even more.Because I speak Ukrainian.Because I look that way.Because I don't wear glasses anymore and I am not afraid of having them broken by a slap on the face.

I try not top mind this all.But it is always so hard to control myself and not to cry.I know I have no right for that.

My greatest wish is to be understood.If only more people understood I have feelings too but I prefer not to show them.

And I have found out (In fact i was told the opinion of some of them) young men are afraid of me.They consider me to be too serious.Yes,I sometimes am.But i don't know how to prove I can love someone.I do love Igor.but he will never get to know this.

I am interested how it is-to be4 loved by someone.I mean when somebody falls in love with you.I have never experienced anything like this and I wonder what it is like.

Finally,I ask myself one more question.Can I be fallen in love with?Do I deserve it?I can't answer this now but I think the possible answer is no.Next time I will try to find the exact answers.

I know the reason of all this misunderstanding is in me.But I can't change anything as I don't know what do I have to change.I think that I have to become someone else to stop making the lives of the others terrible.I am sorry for the fact I exist.

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Just a quick note.I am not used to giving up at the half of a way.I wish you could understand that.If you will ever read this-I want to say I belong to you.

I will do anything to get a bit of your attention-just ask me.

And if I sometimes want to die,like I do now,no one will ever kill my love to you.That is impossible.

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The same day

I am alone at the office...

It is full silence seldom destroyed by a phone call.Only my typing can be heard in the long passages.A new office where I know almost nothing.And I know very little about you as well.As I said before,not to think about you is an impossible thing for me.I hardly keep myself away from the phone.

You are so close to me and,at the same time,so far away.You are back now after your business trip.despite you don't know me personally and the fact I am no one to you (in the best case-a fan) I can say I missed you very much.Maybe you will get my letter.

Sorry one more time-I wrote it without any reason,just to feel I exist for you.Or else I would lose my mind.You even don't know you hold my life.

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May,13

I have made a decision-I will do my best for keeping busy all the time,too busy to think of you.But that is not as easy as I thought before.This impossible for me-not to think of you.Every time I watch the news my face reveals all my feelings and everyone who is near me finds out I love you.Even if that person doesn't know anything.My heart starts beating wildly when I have a look at your photo. But then I get really upset realising I have almost no hope.

But I always finish the things have started.And if I have already overcome a great part of a way,I never go back.I just can't.

I don't know what you think of me but I tell you one more time that you have scored a goal into my heart and I will do my best to do the same.

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May,10

One more day lived with this pain.It is like a slap on my face but it hurts much more.I am really sorry for sending that email to you yesterday - as I said before,I needed to contact you not to lose my mind.I will also never repeat the thing I did yesterday-drinking beer to forget about everything.It is no use,this even made me feel worse than ever.

Looking forward to seeing you in the news today I keep thinking of your attitude to me.It is great,I know,but what is it like?What do I mean for you?I think I will never guess that.And what stupid things I am thinking of?!I don't know what exactly is happening to me now.

Who is she?I don't know and don't need to know.But whoever she is I understand she is much better than I am.Yes,my friends say young men often stare at me but they never get acquainted.

Wherever I am and whatever I do I think of you and of ways of expressing my feelings.Believe it or not,you are my true love,the love of my whole life.I will keep trying to make you love me but almost without hope.

I don't know if you will ever read this.I am not sure if giving you the opportunity to read all this is a good idea.I am still making the decision.

I am afraid you would consider me to be really stupid.In fact I sometimes am,but I try not to show this.

My hand reaches out to the phone one more time...No!I won't call you.I have to control myself.But this is almost impossible.

Just come from outside.It is raining cats and dogs,I am totally wet.The first time in my life I am not worrying about how I look.This doesn't mind now.

On the other hand,I keep guessing-where are you now,what are you doing,what are you thinking of...

By the way,today's weather is just like my mood.If I weren't at the office,I would't hold my tears.In my case no one has to see me crying.And no one will.

I won't miss a chance to tell you one more time:I love you,you are in my heart and mind wherever I am and whatever I do.

21:58.Still staying at the office.And checking my email a hundred times for a minute.I am sure it won't get anything new.But I don't lose the remains of hope.

I am really sorry for putting all my thoughts online,but this is the only place where I can be myself.If you don't like something-just tell me.I will do anything for you.

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May,9

Today is one of the worst days of my life.I also made sure the Internet is not as useful as I thought before.I found an article about you and your love confession.And I am angry at myself for sending a letter to you.I just needed to feel you are not as far away from me as it seems.Dear,I can't stop thinking of you,every night in my dreams I see you.By the way,forgive me for calling you "dear" ,I just need to express my feelings.Every day I realise I will never be loved by you but I want you to know I will never love anyone except you.

I am writing in English because I don't want anyone (except you,of course)to know who I am.

I admire you as a talented journalist,but I love you as a person.Don't ask me how I found out that.If i really need something-I am a great spy.

I can hardly hold tears-I will never let anyone to see me crying.

I know love is pain and nothing more.

No one will ever know how strong is my feeling to you and how important for me is staying in touch with you.

My hand tries to reach the phone without my agreement.I need to hear the best voice in the whole world,but I will never let myself do a silly thing like that.

Well,I have to go now.My only wish for now is to die.

Having come home I will kiss your photo and I will be talking to it for a very long time.

You will never find out what about,I can say it is just about how much I love you.