THE END

Even.not.friends...............
This is the end of everything...
Please, forgive me. I didn't want to bother.
I will do it like a strong boy.
Goodbye...

@настроение: depressed. before another suicide try

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Friends

I'm proud to have a friend like you.
Always knew it, but now even more. The more we talk, the more sides of you I discover. And thank God for creating people like you.
You'll definitely succeed in what you've planned. If only you walk along the right road - and I'm sure you will. I know it.

@музыка: RazorBladeKisses: Ballerina

@настроение: proud

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Created. Written. Sent. Waiting...

I've sent my article to the "Mirror of the Week". Let's see what happens next...
I'm not sure at all they will take my article. But anyway decided to try. Whatever the result is...
Waiting is the scariest part....

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Time to hate!

I hate wearing sth on/in my hair. I'm sick of colorful pieces of floorbrushes freak whores wear and made all people think it's the only beautiful haistyle.

I've never worn wigs and think it's ok only for some photoshoot or performance, but not for everyday life. Anyway, I try to use only what I have from nature. Don't know why. Cockroach #... I don't count them anymore, too many.

@музыка: RazorBladeKisses: Lure of the Temptress

@настроение: annoyed

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I listen what I want

Quite stupid lyrics, a common name and using one of my favorite clothing styles - but the music is not bad. I can say - sth that corresponds to my mood now, I've written many times that what I listen must match what's in my head. Mood...
For now I like this band. I have my all-times favorites, but a bit tired of their music for now. Time for sth new even if it's for a certain period. Using time when nobody controls...

@музыка: RazorBladeKisses: The Butterfly

@настроение: curious

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Inside out. STUPID BUT TRUE

Many of you have seen me in real life. Some people know me only virtually. If sb really minds - she or he has a certain image in mind. The only thing I can say for sure is that all my minute and eternal worries and feelings, perception and understanding are here.
Reality is just a well-hidden stage. And I play my role. I've chosen it as there are a lot of features I'd like to have. I pretend I have them, get used to it - and that's how sth you see in real life is made.
I really don't like showing emotions.
Tough and insensitive.
Strange and weird.
Without feelings.
Keeping all reactions inside.
Often angry.
Arrogant.
Busy.
I know what I want and go to it using legal clear ways. But there's a thin border. Like a line drawn on a window in the rain between the drops. The edge between the official and unofficial me. The 2nd one is... also weird, stupid etc. But there are features the 1st one doesn't seem to have.

I turn myself inside out. THINK before you click here - this may change your attitude. On the edge op opening the inside...

Sometimes I feel the sky approaching the ground. Sometimes sth invivible falls on me and hits painfully. Kicks all decisions and solutions out of my mind. I know my height and sizes make a certain attitude impossible in real life. I don't know why guys think big girls don't feel pain and like being treated in a rude way. It's not true! We also have feelings...

I get tired of being a strong guy. Not often - as I do my best not to understand this, if I do, it would be much harder for a nothing like me to survive in THEIR world. But it happens. And I fly away in dreams about sb big, strong and kind to be around me. Of curling up near sb without feeling the smallest wave of danger. Of receiving a message without any wish except contacting me. A call with an attitude.

I also like cats, flowers and football. I can dream, cry in my sleep (to be honest, it happens almost every night). I wish I was able to burn the roses and drown the wedding ring. Sometimes don't notice people as I'm there, in my drawn artificial world with no place for whore beauty. My dream is to hold someone's hand and to be able to look into the eyes. Hope for the last thing in reality has been lost forever when I got to know there's no surgery that can help.

I can cry having seen sth scary. Can't watch it when sb hurts animals. I'll definitely do sth myself or, if it's impossible, try to do sth.
And sometimes I lose consciousness. Without reason. Or if I'm scared. Btw, it's easy to scare me - by word, move, action and thought also. Yes, this is the fuckhead I am. My Year Of Happiness has brought me that as a side effect. In the end.
Sorry for the stupid text - didn't edit it and don't have a wish for that.

I fall and... can't stand up. A tough boy can't stand up, do you imagine it? Anyway, I have to. If not me - then who? It's better to die in pain than let a whore live in happiness.
I like making you smile.
I like teasing the cat and kissing him. In fact I kiss all possible cute animals.
Yes, I hate children.
Yes, I'm totally asexual.
Right, I work where I work.
I am the nothing I am.
I will survive. I promise.

@музыка: Dust Heaven: Transparent Man

@настроение: inside out

---

Tired. May I...

May I also have an ending like in one of my favorite animation movies? I'm tired of....
Most people can stand me only under the influence of chemicals. Tired of thinking the attitude to me is sincere and then finding out it's just chemical fever. Nevertheless, my good attitude remains good and bad one goes worse.

May I...Please...

"Light up my dress - I will burn.
Break my hand,

Hit me on the door...
...I am not cold.
I am not scared."
(c)

@музыка: Evanescence: Call me when you're sober

@настроение: upset

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Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра

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Furry

The cat jumped on the chair, stared at me and meowed. I meowed back to him. We had been doing this for about 3 minutes, and thn I gave up and took him.

He lay down on my shoulders like a collar. I went to the kitchen to make coffee. Opened the box and got some coffee in a teaspoon. Kesha's tail was hanging down from my shoulder and he was moving it - like always. No wonder he waved it over the teaspoon with coffee and threw the powder all over me. XD
Lesson of the day: don't make coffee together with cats. Their tails are not very useful in the kitchen. =^_^=

@музыка: Dj Udachnik, some set found on the net

@настроение: caffeine

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On the Edge

It will come in front of me soon. Less than a month - and I will stand on it. One minute I will step over it... The Edge means something new, unknown, scary, dangerous and indefinite.

Some people come over it to the better side. But it is about those talented, intelligent and, the most important thing in this case, needed ones. Not creatures like me. Many people celebrate coming of The Edge. I remember one of my friends being so happy when her Edge came... They jumped over it together.



After I come over it, there will be no law to protect me. It will remain for those who are on another side of The Edge. After I cross it the law will not work anymore, I'll have "You wanted it by yourself, bitch!" instead.

Attitude. My appearance is not of the kind that is able to save attitude. I'll have to get used to rude and dirty one - I will be on the other side of The Edge. No wonder I'll be by myself and for myself all the time. I'm used to fighting, but now, before The Edge I can dream of sb big and strong to be around - only dream and it helps me to fight. Then I won't dare.



Each failure will be the ending - and never a happy one. Nobody would trust - nobody of those whom I've not known since the "before The Edge" time. Because I will not be the one who I used to be a few years ago. In fact I am not that one now - but still can save myself by mentioning I have not crossed The Edge yet.

If I fall on the other side - nobody will be there to catch me. And if I try to help sb - they will push me away.



Existence over the edge can be painless and even pleasant for those who have crossed it with loved ones. Then The Edge makes what they have stronger. But when nobody's around... then no one would be on the other side. If not here - then never.

I've experienced many pleasant things. A few rather successful articles, respect of people I love, they were proud of me for a certain time. I also had love that is lost forever. I was not good enough to hold it...
Was on TV- one of the brightest memories. Made friends with a lot of interesting people. Had a lot of dreams and planned to make them reality.
Soon this will be over. It will remain on the opposite side of The Edge.

The Edge is not something to be done by myself. It will naturally come - nobody can stop time. I can say more - The Edge is a day. The day I fear most of all...
I'm carried to it by some unknown stream depending on Eternity...

@музыка: Olya and the Monster: 9:30

@настроение: indifferent

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Aliens. Cute ones.

Couldn't resist posting this here. It's so cute... I've never seen such creatures in real life. But here it's like a cute alien. =^_^=

@настроение: sleepy

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Still there

There are minutes when we don't want to hear or see anyone. When thoughts mix up into a scary heavy stone and the way out seems to be blocked forever. In conditions like this people are not able to hear anything.
I feel you're like that now. But can't stay indifferent.
Let me do just one common thing, at least here, where you'll never read this. The last point is for the better...

@музыка: Olga Pulatova: The last dance of winter

@настроение: scared, anxious, loving

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The female in me

Just received the pattern for my dress. Ordered it yesterday, hope next weekend I'll be able to start sth.
I'm a boy, a gay one. But each gay has a part of a female inside. So do I.
In everyday life I really don't care about how I look, hardly any makeup - no time for that. And - yes, I'm not a freak. In fact I've never been one.
But sometimes I like to have sth strange to cover the bones. Only because I want that on myself, not to attract/shock anyone. No other reasons.
This time - black and blue again. Laces, flowers; a veil to cover the ugly eye. A choker, earrings - as usual. Just because I like making that. Even if I wear it only once in the whole existence.

@музыка: Mylene Farmer: Mefie Toi

@настроение: exhausted

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Something is definitely going on at the moment...

---

Anxious...

My feeling is taking over me.... I'm going insane without information, I'm sure sth is going on. But I know nothing.
Can't feel your pain without understanding why it exists. Something must have happened - I don't know where this information has come from. I guess it has no background, nevertheless, it is here. It's tearing me from the inside.

What has happened?
I feel so weak when I can't do anything...

@музыка: L'ame Immortelle: Ohne Dich

@настроение: anxious...

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Had a strange nightmare. A bit more than 2 hours of sleep, but already had a dream... In its negative meaning.

I wouldn't write about it, but... I have a bad feeling about one of close friends...

Wish I could do sth, but nobody takes this seriously. And I also try to scare the thoughts away from myself. That was just a nightmare, it doesn't mean anything, it only scared me and I'm still under that impression. Not more...

The feeling has not disappeared anywhere. Not anything serious, just painful...
That was nothing else than a nightmare.
But the feeling...

@музыка: The Hush Sound: You are the moon

@настроение: anxious

---

*enjoys the silence*

I don't care.

@музыка: fuck it...

@настроение: forgotten

---

3 years ago... He used to call me every evening and we talked of everything in this world. He told me sth nice and the dreams became sweet.

Fairy-tales? Yes, maybe - but inside of our fairy-tale. We really lived in one. Until I got ill.

Never told this to many people, but when I was in hospital, he stayed with me all the time. I felt something was wrong with him, but couldn't get what it was. Anyway, he kissed me in sleep and held my hand all the time. People came to my mother and said they've never seen such loving attitude of...a brother to a sister. Mum blushed and answered that's my boyfriend. And then... Then happened sth that is a memory now. A painful one sometimes brought back by cinnamon coffee I still like.

I'm dreaming of sb to send me a message before I go to sleep. Only sometimes. Not often. Sth pleasant and sincere. I punish myself for this. But the phone is silent. Only studying or work.

Every evening I have a look at the phone - maybe...maybe a wonder will happen? Nope. In the best case - nothing. Worse - if there's "Please tell everyone the international journalism lesson will take place on Monday..."

@музыка: Fleur: Да, это так

@настроение: lonely

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That woman has the same shoes as my mother. And the coat is similar. But mum doesn't wear a hat... Wait a minute... It's raining and snowing at the same time, mum's hair might have the effect she hates. I guess that woman is...

- Closer, young people, closer! *smiled*
- Hi mum. I'm going home in 20 minutes, ok?
- Ok...

- Fuck... We could have problems... Thanx God we were not kissing...
- Yes, but we were 5 minutes before.
- Can she have seen?
- Maybe. We were standing just under the lantern. But nobody usually looks in that direction.

This is, certainly, the same place.
But the time is different.
A different season,
A different part of the day...
(c) translated

@музыка: London After Midnight: Spider and the Fly (acoustic version)

@настроение: in my memories...

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@музыка: Inferno: Каплями крови (yeah, that band makes me throw up as well as their music)

@настроение: