Strange. I don't have a heart, I know it for sure - but sth reacts on caffeine with wild beating. Hope one sweet day it will stop.

@музыка: Amurekimuri: Philosophy of Love

@настроение: sick

---

24th day of October

The cat made me sleepy in the morning - as a result 10:00 instead of the planned 8:30. News, fast blue makeup, shoes on - and the way to University.

Caffeine Forbidden

This day was the one without caffeine. A pleasant surprise at Advertising - instead of working we watched different ads by one company in the press centre. A boring Agency Journalism lecture where I managed to write everything down and also a message to a friend... No answer... NVM - just wanted to let know I haven't forgotten.

Extreme piercing

Looked back... A guy came, saw her, kissed and let her put her face on his shoulder... I had a feeling as if a long ice-cold needle went through the head, neck, chest, pierced sth I have instead of the heart and got out somewhere from the left leg still remaining sharp pieces inside. Paralyzed me and then I started getting back to this world after a pain shock.

Lead-in

"A piece of news should start from an answer to the "when?" question only if it's essential that sth happened on a certain date. Like "Today, on the 24th of October..." - the voice of the lecturer reached my counsciousness from somewhere outside. I wrote it down without making any effort to think of what the words mean. But then: OCTOBER 24TH. Essential On the day. Time. Memories.

In memory...

2005. Morning of October, 24th. Yaremche, Carpathians. I'm waiting for my mother who was going to do my hair. The phone makes a sound of an incoming message. I open it - of course, it's an answer to my previous one where I wrote that "writing headlines is my weak point". The answer was that he knew the title. And the message ended in 3 words. I jumped up, screamed and mum, who already came in, asked what happened and if it was sth she thought of when saw my face. I told her she's right.
In a few minutes a friend called to check me out and see if his phone is working after a repair. "Know what? ****** said he..." - I screamed into the phone. The friend was happy to hear my heavy good news, cousin was curious and the author of the message sent me his pic in a few days. From that day my status had been changed for almost a year.

THEY Importance!

2008. October, 24th. University. THEY. I created an imaginary stone wall between myself and them. Planted flowers on this wall, put furry moths on it. Now we're in different places. At the last lecture - an unexpected test. People copying from my notes, I was one of few who had all of them. A mate asked to excuse his being an unshamed copycat, I said there's nothing to be sorry for. I like it when people use my notes, this gives me an illusion of being important. A painkilling drug, another one. And I'm happy when get to know sb got a high mark having used my work.

Reality!!!

My reflection in a shiny glass in a door. People going out, I'm among them. Now I will run out of the University, and he will be waiting for me, I'll say I love him and we'll spend some time together talking of the financial crisis, contemporary art, aliens and cats. The last ones are often the same. XD

Truth

I ran out. Coldness. Froze my pain from the ice needle I received before. Darkness. The way home, supermarket, pharmacy.

A disaster coming soon

I will drown this evening in a cup of bitter coffee poisoned by lemon. A day without caffeine and an evening with it. Weird shopping - tomorrow, a day later - German photography. My memories are flying up with coffee steam slowly killing thoughts and making myself turn into a solid stone of pain. The steam has mixed with a faraway foreign feeling inside of me and I feel there's going to be an explosion with a great blast. I'll try to save as many people as possible, I promise you.

Up into there

Staring out of the window. On Sunday I'll go on drawing, and thoughts will touch My Flying Light. I mostly draw it with wings despite not sure if it has them for now.
The cat has fallen asleep on my laps. A book, coffee and... I am not reading. Just dreaming. Of sb to hold my hand - but sincerely. My self-defence has been improved. But it also has a key. Up there.

Acid blue murderer

Evening is catching the edge of the coffee cup desperately, I push it back into the already-cold drink and kill, kill, KILL. Together with pain.

Our lands

Those who don't have beautiful appearance are not without feelings. We also feel pain, love, minute happiness and eternal desperation. We also catch autumn leaves understanding how everything passes by. There is a difference: we can draw our own worlds.
Mine looks like this pic at daytime, I guess - and the Light is above.

Night is longer than daytime, looks similar to this layout. The Light then comes down and talks to me...
Now...

The wind has thrown some snow on my face. I've woken up - and The Light looks at me from an intelligent surface.

@музыка: Olga Pulatova: The last dance of winter

@настроение: cold/forgotten

---

And now I am happy only in dreams.
There I am not... I'm with... I speak... We understand... He does...

@настроение: forgotten

---

No time to write at all, studying, studying and studying. I like the status of caffeine awakening and the look of the surrounding world as if it was shown on TV. But my body can't accpt that much, my blood will soon turn into coffee. XD
Still dreaming of having a nap (((

@музыка: Amy Lee: Sally's song

@настроение: exhausted

---

2005

13.12.05 - this date is above the handwritten text on the cover of the "Dracula" book. That text ends with "I love you!". Like broken glass - gets into all inside parts of me, like an illness moves along all possible ways, like poison stops thoughts' motion.

N o t a n y m o r e.

"The cage is stronger than the wolf, but it's hard for him to accept" (c) Olga Pulatova. Mentioned this condition and the expression in the last talk with the German Prince. Things can really be stronger - or bigger - they have such a great size that it's impossible to move them or influence in any other ways. Like those ancient statues scientists still doubt about - they can't get how people created them. I feel it's not only me who has a perception like that at the moment. I have it forever, but this minutes, minute, hour or hours can be the time of a short "oneness" status - when at least 4 of my friends (I know this for sure about them) feel sth around this.

People of the past seem to be more intelligent than modern ones. And the past itself looks like a fairy-tale that had not been read to the end because of _____________ (connection problems, a fire in the house and the burnt book, torn out pages etc...). Now it's over and nothing can be done.

Nobody to meet and wait, nobody to send a message without a reason and with a few short words. No more hope. And what could be if I stayed healthy? ...
The game I'm playing, the one WE are playing - is a way of an escape from reality. When the play is over - we get back to what and how we really are.

I love making you laugh.
This lets me remember how it was - to laugh.

" A sad clown is making somebody laugh -

Being happy is his job..." (c)

This is HTVI - Happy TV International.

@музыка: Evanescence: My Immortal (acoustic)

@настроение: nostalgic

---

IT

Had the FEELING again.
I'm at Univrsity, the last lecture is over, I'm running out and know there, out is!!!....
...there is nobody. Cold. Dark. Nobody is waiting. Nobody has ever waited and nobody will wait.

@музыка: Evanescence: Thoughtless

@настроение: lonely

---

Necessary things

Things that are together with me in the bed these nights:

1. Laptop
2. Notebook
3. Pencil
4. Camera
5. Telephone
6. Cat

@музыка: Evanescence: Forever You

@настроение: sleepy

---

WHY do all people like goths?
Guys in streets call me with a special Ukrainian/Russian word meaning sth like "young stupid goth", but with a more offensive shade. In a better case - "a witch". And the whores are "impossible beauties".

Now I found out no brain hasn't been eaten by gothic sluts. No place for me in their world.

Some people tell me they like me, but... these people are either my friends who have known me for ages, or those who haven't seen me without makeup and the image I use. Thank you for being my friends - true friendship is one of the few things I believe in without any doubts. If there was sth that could save the world - it could have only been friendship.

And some are just perfectly beautiful and sincere - they want to believe people they communicate with are at the same level. Unfortunately no, my dear, I look like what_guys_call_me in front of you. You're like a character of a book... And I'm..all of us know what. I'm grateful for the attitude, but I know I'm worse.

Nobody's is behind the border of the world of beauty. You're all there.
I'm looking at you through glass that can't be broken.

---

AGAIN!!!! This time even more serious. XDD
This time I will try to score a goal in the right gate. Even if I won't sign the contract with the team.

@настроение: happy in dreams

---

Just registered in a Ukrainian social network. And already was told I'm stupid...
No smoke without fire...

@настроение: down

---

I wish at least anyone was waiting for me...

@настроение: lonely

---

Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра

---

In my field of paper flowers...

@музыка: Fleur: Для того, кто умел верить

@настроение: imaginary

---

My Kesha is back home!!!

@музыка: DJ Tiesto: Walking on clouds

@настроение: meow

---

I HATE my eyes!!!!!!!
I'd scratch them out if it wouldn't look more ugly than it is now...
I HATE my reflection in the mirror, ugly eyes of different size and shape stare at me making me understand I will never be able to look good. WHY didn't the doctor tell me???

@настроение: angry/desperate

---

Idea stolen from [J]qi psycho[/J] . Thanx for that!
My virtual pet. Named in honor of My German Prince...
Yes, I know I'm insane. %-/

Feed Me!
Adopted from Valenth

запись создана: 10.09.2008 в 22:44

@музыка: The Hush Sound: You are the moon

@настроение: insane

---

Had a dream again. So real... That my beloved ICQ contact had come online and asked where I've been. Said I'm not alone and showed some pics. Asked if I remembered him and showed our photo as a reminding. The 2nd pic - I don't remember it.
Having woke up I thought they exist in real life, but found out they don't - at least one of them. In the 1st one we were together - sitting and talking, the pic was taken from behind us.
He wrote just one sentence. That he got to know I'm in some relationship here, he didn't say anything bad, but I felt guilty. And then I woke up.
I wish I could talk to him at least in a dream...

@музыка: Olga Pulatova: Он меня ненавидит страшно

@настроение: tired/lonely

---

I have something happy people don't.
I can feel coldness - and they can not.

@музыка: L'ame Immortelle: Ohne Dich

@настроение: lonely

---

Down

My world has fallen down from an impossible height.

It was even higher than your beloved sky. You made me fly and someone other told me to land immediately. I did it - knew that would be better for you.

But I kept the dream to fly with you. Together. Kept it, hiding from those who could harm it, protecting from insincere words and perceptions, did everything the dream could need to survive until I find the way.

I found it. As it's said, the one who is searching will definitely find. I did it! But the door was already closed. You let me know my dreams are nothing in your reality. And I had to accept - you once said I'm strong. I also think I'm a strong boy.

You once told me you like to dream. And I wondered (inside, of course) if we've ever had same dreams at the same time. Still don't know the answer and, I guess I'll never know. The only thing I'm sure in is that if I ask that question now - from now up (down?) to infinity - the answer will be "no".

Are you still able to dream? Are you still able to fly in thoughts? Have your thoughts been to Ukraine since summer?
Will I ever see you (?) - I don't dare to think of that. Money - somewhere, time - probably this summer (I'm more for choosing work without vacation than bothering you, but, as you know, I'm insane), aim - ... YOU. Seeing and catching your thoughts. Sending some of mine in case you're ready to receive. Or watching you resist them.

No more inspiration for photos and written pieces. To be honest, I wrote or took pics after each of our talks. The MySpace userpic - summer night conversation, the architecture article - no comments ^^, my author's column - ideas of our discussions as well, images from written pieces - you are in some of them, a great part of you.

Even stupid kids know it is impossible and harmful to write in the darkness. I feel it. No light of my world. I've fallen, it has disappeared. Getting blind but continuing doing what I should do without seeing the direction and result. And...distance. In fact I've never felt it.

Going to sleep without the usual gn8...
Ich traume von dir.
Schlaf schön.

@музыка: Fleur: Somebody

@настроение: sleeping thoughtfully in solitude

---

I wish I could...
Wish I was able to...
If only this was possible for me...
I will never do...

@музыка: Fleur: Capture eternity

@настроение: lonely