Your whisper is fast and silent. Those are newsreaders.
Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра
Your whisper is fast and silent. Those are newsreaders.
I had a strange dream - about hot flowers. They were growing near my country house. At the place where we have roses in real life. But they were really hot. I first thought they're spiky - having touched them, I felt them burning my hand. And then I understood they hurt in a strange way. Not sting, but burn. Then a butterfly sat on one of these flowers - and it got burnt. and only the weak smell of burnt wings was kept in the air for a few seconds reminding there used to be one more living soul. When another butterfly got on the flower, nothing happened to it. It did a usual butterfly's business - and flew away.
They were blue - a bit similar to roses, but with differently shaped petals- some were almost round and the other ones were pointed. It even seemed to look...fluffy. I think I'll try to draw sth like that in Photoshop. Maybe.
It's strange - I remember everything. I think I'm going crazy... And now I'm dreaming of going to my country house to see what is going on there. I know there's just an empty house and bare ground. But I want to go there.
Now healing my bit lips and thinking of hot flowers - they might have burnt my mind...
They were blue - a bit similar to roses, but with differently shaped petals- some were almost round and the other ones were pointed. It even seemed to look...fluffy. I think I'll try to draw sth like that in Photoshop. Maybe.
It's strange - I remember everything. I think I'm going crazy... And now I'm dreaming of going to my country house to see what is going on there. I know there's just an empty house and bare ground. But I want to go there.
Now healing my bit lips and thinking of hot flowers - they might have burnt my mind...
Your whisper is fast and silent. Those are newsreaders.
That creature has a gf... And they argued. Now he is drinking...
I'M BITING MY LIPS TO BLOOD - ALMOST A YEAR AGO I AS KISSING WITH HIM, I TRUSTED HIM!!! AND I THOUGHT HE LIKED ME... HOW STUPID I AM... yes, I didn't like him, but this was at least sth...
I WISH I COULD BITE OFF ALL MY SKIN, LET ALL THE BLOOD GET OUT TO WASH ALL THIS OFF MYSELF... I'M JUST A WHORE...
...A FEW MORE CUTS AND BITES... THE MORE I HURT MYSELF, THE MORE I UNDERSTAND IT WON'T GET AWAY...
I kissed with him... I thought... But who told me? I just started believing I am Somebody. That's all. What? Now i know, I got to know again I should never believe sb needs me. I'm suitable just for a single fuck.
I hate myself!!!! I'm the dirtiest creature in the whole world...
One more bite, some more blood away...
I'M BITING MY LIPS TO BLOOD - ALMOST A YEAR AGO I AS KISSING WITH HIM, I TRUSTED HIM!!! AND I THOUGHT HE LIKED ME... HOW STUPID I AM... yes, I didn't like him, but this was at least sth...
I WISH I COULD BITE OFF ALL MY SKIN, LET ALL THE BLOOD GET OUT TO WASH ALL THIS OFF MYSELF... I'M JUST A WHORE...
...A FEW MORE CUTS AND BITES... THE MORE I HURT MYSELF, THE MORE I UNDERSTAND IT WON'T GET AWAY...
I kissed with him... I thought... But who told me? I just started believing I am Somebody. That's all. What? Now i know, I got to know again I should never believe sb needs me. I'm suitable just for a single fuck.
I hate myself!!!! I'm the dirtiest creature in the whole world...
One more bite, some more blood away...
суббота, 12 января 2008
Your whisper is fast and silent. Those are newsreaders.
I know - my English is awful. Despite I had been learning it for about 10 years.
Too many things have been said recently. And I made the decision.
I know I'm stupid, as well as my thoughts, pics, posts and everything else.
It's a post to say goodbye.
Too many things have been said recently. And I made the decision.
I know I'm stupid, as well as my thoughts, pics, posts and everything else.
It's a post to say goodbye.
пятница, 11 января 2008
Your whisper is fast and silent. Those are newsreaders.
Another dream... This time more stupid than ever.
I wish there was at least sb who would not be ashamed of me. Or even what i don't dare to dream of - someone who would be proudof me.
The friend answered my comment in his LJ - he said he wonders where I am now and hopes I will read the msg. He also wrote he misses me. What's the fuck, he told me I'm a selfish creature who gets away every time sb else needs help and informs everyone when feels bad herself. Misses me? Dear, do you remember who I am? Anyway, I feel sorry. I should have felt he needs support. And I asked him for forgiveness - on ICQ and as a separate post in my LJ visible for everyone. He sent me an ICQ msg saying he is sorry for his attitude. But firstly, people should think before they do sth - or else they will simply lose my trust. Secondly- he is absolutely right. I'm a bitch.
My dream is really stupid. I want at least sb not to be ashamed of me. and... I wish I could ever see my pic or just a few words in somebody's diary of photo album. Not because I dream of it. This should be the wish of the person, nt just doing what the stupid bitch wants. And for some reasons of that person - not on the spot, out of nothing, like "Here's that bitch, Orchid" or "She just exists like all the others - and that's why I mention her." if anyone does it - he or she will lose me forever.
That guy once posted a pic of some talented beautiful whore who writes wonderful poems. *TURNING MYSELF INSIDE OUT* I'm not jealous. I'm not! If you think so - fuck you! I feel pain because this world is only for beautiful and talented people. and who am I? Right - nobody and nothing. So I have to fuck off. But where? Is there any place for mistakes of nature?
And a msg for all girls... I don't know why, but I want to write it now and here.
If you're happy - keep it, hold it stronger not to let it go - it never comes back. If you're beautiful - don't use this too much, and also remember each minute when you were admired. I'm glad for all of you - whatever I say. Just don't soil and waste what you have - nothing is unlimited...
And remember - by "making my dream come true" by posting anything I mentioned above, you'll lose me forever. It was not a request - I wrote about what I feel, not more. Doing it having read this would simply be licking my ass - this is what I really hate.
I wish there was at least sb who would not be ashamed of me. Or even what i don't dare to dream of - someone who would be proud
The friend answered my comment in his LJ - he said he wonders where I am now and hopes I will read the msg. He also wrote he misses me. What's the fuck, he told me I'm a selfish creature who gets away every time sb else needs help and informs everyone when feels bad herself. Misses me? Dear, do you remember who I am? Anyway, I feel sorry. I should have felt he needs support. And I asked him for forgiveness - on ICQ and as a separate post in my LJ visible for everyone. He sent me an ICQ msg saying he is sorry for his attitude. But firstly, people should think before they do sth - or else they will simply lose my trust. Secondly- he is absolutely right. I'm a bitch.
My dream is really stupid. I want at least sb not to be ashamed of me. and... I wish I could ever see my pic or just a few words in somebody's diary of photo album. Not because I dream of it. This should be the wish of the person, nt just doing what the stupid bitch wants. And for some reasons of that person - not on the spot, out of nothing, like "Here's that bitch, Orchid" or "She just exists like all the others - and that's why I mention her." if anyone does it - he or she will lose me forever.
That guy once posted a pic of some talented beautiful whore who writes wonderful poems. *TURNING MYSELF INSIDE OUT* I'm not jealous. I'm not! If you think so - fuck you! I feel pain because this world is only for beautiful and talented people. and who am I? Right - nobody and nothing. So I have to fuck off. But where? Is there any place for mistakes of nature?
And a msg for all girls... I don't know why, but I want to write it now and here.
If you're happy - keep it, hold it stronger not to let it go - it never comes back. If you're beautiful - don't use this too much, and also remember each minute when you were admired. I'm glad for all of you - whatever I say. Just don't soil and waste what you have - nothing is unlimited...
And remember - by "making my dream come true" by posting anything I mentioned above, you'll lose me forever. It was not a request - I wrote about what I feel, not more. Doing it having read this would simply be licking my ass - this is what I really hate.
понедельник, 07 января 2008
Your whisper is fast and silent. Those are newsreaders.
How much I do need to gain a minute portion of happiness... At last I found and downloaded the song I had been looking for - "Winterborn (This Sacrifice)" by the Cruxshadows. My German Prince told me about this band. And their music will always be the sound of my immortal почуття to him.
Whatever happens - He is my meaning. "...и я хочу быть смыслом твоим..." (с) Fleur
Recent news - I'm going to Yaremcha for a few days!!! Of course with Him in my mind.
He has a beloved one. But I want him to know that in a far away country named Ukraine he has an eternal servant. His wish - my law.
Whatever happens - He is my meaning. "...и я хочу быть смыслом твоим..." (с) Fleur
Recent news - I'm going to Yaremcha for a few days!!! Of course with Him in my mind.
He has a beloved one. But I want him to know that in a far away country named Ukraine he has an eternal servant. His wish - my law.
"...Within this moment now
I am for you, though better men have failed
I will give my life for love
For I am Winter born
And in my dying
I'm more alive, than I have ever been
I will make this sacrifice
For I am Winter born..."
I am for you, though better men have failed
I will give my life for love
For I am Winter born
And in my dying
I'm more alive, than I have ever been
I will make this sacrifice
For I am Winter born..."
(c) The Cruxshadows
Your whisper is fast and silent. Those are newsreaders.
Вода стікає на нервові клітини… А вони, у свою чергу, з’єднуються у волокна. Засіб пересилання інформації,
вигаданий невідомо ким. І ось зараз передається саме холод – отой холод, над яким нема контролю. Який приходить до мене з бетонної стіни і з’єднується з тим, що вже є всередині. Як наслідок на стіні лишається відбиток тіні.
З чашки гарячої кави – останній крик напівутопленого Erinnerung. Тепер там отрута. На неї реагує тінь на стіні. Вона б’ється у передсмертних конвульсіях, тоді завмирає,а на поверхні кави у чашці виникає handwritten-напис німецькою. Хоча частина його має японське походження.
Попіл синього кольору вилітає з вікна і розносить холод. Знову передається по нервових клітинах на величезні відстані. По проводах ідуть повідомлення за кордон. А там їх нікому прийняти. Вони повертаються назад до відправника. На таке ніхто не розраховував, тому ці відіслані назад листи завдають чимало injuries. Так, мабуть, я втратила можливість думати якоюсь одною мовою.
Цей синій попіл майже 2 роки був трояндами. Несподіваним подарунком. Сьогодні став подертими клаптями засохлої фарбованої рослинної тканини, а тоді – попелом. Потім – спогадом. І пилом на клавіатурі.
З цигарковим димом догори піднімаються залишки Erinnerung. This unmerciful shit has fucked me for more than a year. Нарешті воно змогло піднятися туди, куди я його ніяк не відпускала. Мене тягне слідом. Але знаю, що там – удар, який стане для мене смертельне. Отрута замість повітря, отрута замість води. Там – інша планета із зовсім не дружніми мешканцями. У них – свій світ Обраних.
…Через вікно ввірвався привид вітру і забрав з клавіатури останки синього попелу. Лишились тільки відбитки їхніх тіней… Auf Wiedersehen! Чи надовго?
воскресенье, 06 января 2008
19:30
Доступ к записи ограничен
Your whisper is fast and silent. Those are newsreaders.
Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра
суббота, 05 января 2008
Your whisper is fast and silent. Those are newsreaders.
Sending the interview questions to the metal band's member...
пятница, 04 января 2008
Your whisper is fast and silent. Those are newsreaders.
Dad has gone to that whore again... And he tried to deceive me in the morning - he said he will go to the church in the evening. Is the whore in the church? daddy, I'm not that stupid...
I understand I'm now the only guy in my family... And I don't know what to do. I realise there's nowhere to expect support from - I'm on my own. Nobody around. The situation has NO solutions. What fuck has she broken into OUR family, MY family?
yes, my dear, he is married for more than 20 years. And I'm his daughter. She is my mother, his wife. I know, I know the whore will never read this. But... anger and desperation have taken over me.
Sorry for all this - but here is the only place where I can let all that hurts me out. I hold it inside and it is killing me slowly and painfully. I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!! Dirty cunt, I wish you died as soon as possible. Ok, my dear, I will help you...
These are just emotions. The most terrible thing is that I can't do ANYTHING...
I understand I'm now the only guy in my family... And I don't know what to do. I realise there's nowhere to expect support from - I'm on my own. Nobody around. The situation has NO solutions. What fuck has she broken into OUR family, MY family?
yes, my dear, he is married for more than 20 years. And I'm his daughter. She is my mother, his wife. I know, I know the whore will never read this. But... anger and desperation have taken over me.
Sorry for all this - but here is the only place where I can let all that hurts me out. I hold it inside and it is killing me slowly and painfully. I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!! Dirty cunt, I wish you died as soon as possible. Ok, my dear, I will help you...
These are just emotions. The most terrible thing is that I can't do ANYTHING...
18:05
Доступ к записи ограничен
Your whisper is fast and silent. Those are newsreaders.
Закрытая запись, не предназначенная для публичного просмотра
Your whisper is fast and silent. Those are newsreaders.
I'M TIRED.......
четверг, 03 января 2008
Your whisper is fast and silent. Those are newsreaders.
The new year is here:
Dad has a whore, he hates me and mum, all the time he's on the phone writing messages to her. I don't know what to do, this is the situation where I really have no power and solutions. The world can explode in any minute... I'm gonna kill that bitch whoever she is. Her dirty cunt ruins our family. My family. I won't stop against anything. The last thing I will definitely do will be when nothing else helps - I will kill myself. Death of a relative unites people, whatever bad the deceised one used to be.
I still don't have a person to be around me. I remember what was 2 years ago -he even felt when there was sth wrong with me.
And now... he wrote on a forum - that he reads the magazine I work for. He said he does it not only because he is interested in the articles, but also for "his personal, even spy purpose". I know who he is spying... me of course. But what for? He hates me? And what will be when the pics will be published? My pics are going to be in the next issue of the magazine. Not the best ones, and also not the worst. But not the best ones! Here:
He will definitely think he was right to leave me.
I don't miss the one who despised and hated me and my family. But I miss the guy who was always around and was ready to turn he world inside out if I needed that. He was ready for anything - he often asked me what I want him to do. My only answer was "nothing except loving me". He kept his promise until I got ill and ugly...
The family is being destroyed. A spying ex. Dad's phone receiving calls from the whore. I don't tell him - he doesn't hear it ringing and I stay silent... Nobody around. No messages from any friends. Not a received call from me - it seems like people don't see me.
It's 2008. This is just the beginning.
Happy New Year...
Dad has a whore, he hates me and mum, all the time he's on the phone writing messages to her. I don't know what to do, this is the situation where I really have no power and solutions. The world can explode in any minute... I'm gonna kill that bitch whoever she is. Her dirty cunt ruins our family. My family. I won't stop against anything. The last thing I will definitely do will be when nothing else helps - I will kill myself. Death of a relative unites people, whatever bad the deceised one used to be.
I still don't have a person to be around me. I remember what was 2 years ago -he even felt when there was sth wrong with me.
And now... he wrote on a forum - that he reads the magazine I work for. He said he does it not only because he is interested in the articles, but also for "his personal, even spy purpose". I know who he is spying... me of course. But what for? He hates me? And what will be when the pics will be published? My pics are going to be in the next issue of the magazine. Not the best ones, and also not the worst. But not the best ones! Here:
He will definitely think he was right to leave me.
I don't miss the one who despised and hated me and my family. But I miss the guy who was always around and was ready to turn he world inside out if I needed that. He was ready for anything - he often asked me what I want him to do. My only answer was "nothing except loving me". He kept his promise until I got ill and ugly...
The family is being destroyed. A spying ex. Dad's phone receiving calls from the whore. I don't tell him - he doesn't hear it ringing and I stay silent... Nobody around. No messages from any friends. Not a received call from me - it seems like people don't see me.
It's 2008. This is just the beginning.
Happy New Year...
Вопрос: What will the reaction to the pics be?
| 1. he won't recognise | 0 | (0%) | |
| 2. he'll be glad to have left me | 0 | (0%) | |
| 3. he will feel sorry to have left (marasmus, I know) | 2 | (66.67%) | |
| 4. he will burn the magazine | 1 | (33.33%) | |
| 5. he will laugh at me together with his whore | 0 | (0%) | |
| 6. he will send some offensive email like he likes to do | 0 | (0%) | |
| Всего: | 3 Всего проголосовало: 2 |
||
вторник, 01 января 2008
Your whisper is fast and silent. Those are newsreaders.
I'm losing again...
I know he has the full right to hate me...
I know he has the full right to hate me...
воскресенье, 30 декабря 2007
Your whisper is fast and silent. Those are newsreaders.
That gay from LJ is so cool!! *drools to the floor*
Why am I a female? (as it's written in the passport)
I like gays - they can never make me upset by getting a gf. And if he has a bf - it is wonderful! One cute guy is good. 2 cute guys together is even better.
I wish I could meet that one. He's a photographer, I'm dreaming of being his model...
He is Australian. Hope I will travel there to make some program in a few years.. Or even earlier? Stupid dreams again...
Anyway - he is SO COOL!!! (But My Prince is #1 forever) XD
Why am I a female? (as it's written in the passport)
I like gays - they can never make me upset by getting a gf. And if he has a bf - it is wonderful! One cute guy is good. 2 cute guys together is even better.
I wish I could meet that one. He's a photographer, I'm dreaming of being his model...
He is Australian. Hope I will travel there to make some program in a few years.. Or even earlier? Stupid dreams again...Anyway - he is SO COOL!!! (But My Prince is #1 forever) XD
суббота, 29 декабря 2007
Your whisper is fast and silent. Those are newsreaders.
I will be here, not at LJ. Here are the people who understand me and don't wish to show me what a miserable creature I am. Nobody has said a dirty word to me here... And I'm grateful for it.
I feel my eyesight has become much worse.. It scares me, but I will never tell anybody about this. I's my problem.
I saw them - my classmate and her whore hopper. They looked at me so arrogantly... Yes, people, I'm the only single creature in this fuckin world - and FUCK OFF!!! I know, I know nobody will ever want anything with me except that dirty business. Nevertheless, being lonely H U R T S.
I hate my phone for not making that short sound of an incoming message - I know nobody will ever write until he or she needs sth.
Another year. I'm already too old for happiness - and with each year I will be getting away from it, there will be no chance to have anyone to hold my hand. I don't dare to dream about more as even this is impossible.
I'd give my life.....................
I feel my eyesight has become much worse.. It scares me, but I will never tell anybody about this. I's my problem.
I saw them - my classmate and her whore hopper. They looked at me so arrogantly... Yes, people, I'm the only single creature in this fuckin world - and FUCK OFF!!! I know, I know nobody will ever want anything with me except that dirty business. Nevertheless, being lonely H U R T S.
I hate my phone for not making that short sound of an incoming message - I know nobody will ever write until he or she needs sth.
Another year. I'm already too old for happiness - and with each year I will be getting away from it, there will be no chance to have anyone to hold my hand. I don't dare to dream about more as even this is impossible.
I'd give my life.....................
пятница, 28 декабря 2007
Your whisper is fast and silent. Those are newsreaders.
It's really one of the worst ones - and my classmates will remember me that way. Yes, I'm the ugliest in my class forever...
четверг, 27 декабря 2007
Your whisper is fast and silent. Those are newsreaders.
Well, maybe it is just the first one I saw.
Anyway, it's nice to notice that. =)
Anyway, it's nice to notice that. =)
Your whisper is fast and silent. Those are newsreaders.
All friends ask about it: how will I celebrate the New Year.
I will be sitting near the window looking down and crying, thinking of the happy people around. But nobody will see my tears. I'll be missing the person who doesn't exist.
This is the saddest holiday. Almost everyone will have their beloved ones with them...
Being dead hurts even more than dying itself.
When someone tells you that dreams and wishes come true - don't believe in it. It's not more than lies. Nothing will ever be the way you want - and nobody can change anything.
Total emptiness. I do my best to kill the "what I want" thought in myself - it is a dream. And the dreams are liek diseases, they should be destroyed. The worst thing is that I'm fully infected with this dreaming virus, it ia like drugs - I know it will lead to painful death, but I will die sooner without it. I live in stupid dreams about a person who doesn't exist. About a normal face. about beng alive.
I will be sitting near the window looking down and crying, thinking of the happy people around. But nobody will see my tears. I'll be missing the person who doesn't exist.
This is the saddest holiday. Almost everyone will have their beloved ones with them...
Being dead hurts even more than dying itself.
When someone tells you that dreams and wishes come true - don't believe in it. It's not more than lies. Nothing will ever be the way you want - and nobody can change anything.
Total emptiness. I do my best to kill the "what I want" thought in myself - it is a dream. And the dreams are liek diseases, they should be destroyed. The worst thing is that I'm fully infected with this dreaming virus, it ia like drugs - I know it will lead to painful death, but I will die sooner without it. I live in stupid dreams about a person who doesn't exist. About a normal face. about beng alive.
вторник, 25 декабря 2007
Your whisper is fast and silent. Those are newsreaders.
I realised I am really dead...
I don't feelA N Y T H I N G
I don't feel